tears they come slowly

and sometimes i dont know from where they tear me up
and they tear me inside out, too. all the in side comes out.
all i try to hide, pain so raw i tell it in stories, just to get it out,
then have to backtrack my steps to what i was talking about,
to tell my friends what really needs to come…
cuz the tale tears me more than the tears.

tears they ache sharply on the body of my wounds within
nothing you can see
nothing that can be told as Real
nothing visible you say?
cant see air but it’s there
so when these tears tear me or the tears bring me to tears
and i spend my life “trying to numb the pain”
and i have no idea when they will arrive
cuz the chaos of my life never lays off. it’s always there.

my whole life swirls madly around my art
clouding the truth in my heart which soaks up sorrows

everywhere
everywhere
everywhere

in my world everything happens at one time
not like on prime time
where some friends have time to react to two guys and a girl
living in a new york or a world with no black people in it

and this is just one more thing that makes me cry a black girls tears
sing a black girls song
any one
ANYONE?
please sing songs of women who never got to be girls first
who thirst
for days that have no money troubles
no identity doubled
who hunger
just to exist in this world that rewards smiles and laughs at pain.
loves the liar and builds it fame
rejects the truth and calls it names
any wonder i once did the same

but

i have no mercy on myself
i work to the bone with no regard for my own health
i tear into my skin despite the tears tearing at me
i tear up but i dont release the water
i mourn deaths of never born daughters of friends of friends
like they were my own seed
and wonder still is it such a blessing to breathe?
to push and toil endlessly with no relief?
to continue to swallow words we should speak
just so that we will be well liked
and sacrifice being respected?

is it worth it to be me
when i keep getting kicked in the face
is it smart to be myself
when i continue to lose pace
with my heart….

i keep getting torn
between loving myself
and losing my mind
or loving a new version
who is more unkind

i can’t even confide
in those close to me about my pain
the ones who run to me when they are hurting
dont treat me with the same love i caress them in
during those times of anguish
when their tears tear them

so i remain torn by these tears and drag them
where i go
with only my own love to one day heal me….

all i wanted,
all i ever need
is to find someone to love
who will love me the way i need to be

because this is the definition of love
giving what is needed

not just what you think you should give

but i’ve learned that i am forever cursed to live
alone inside my heart’s fortress
trying to break down my own walls
trying to fight my inner world alone

torn by tears
tearing at the tearing.