I made it through another day with and without him. listening to his voice and wanting to say “I’m still in love with you.” My tongue is bruised but at least my soul isn’t.

photo credit: MM S

My big problem today – as if it’s a real problem! – is that we are falling into lockstep again. The synchronicity I so loved about us before. Having the same jokes. Thinking the same thing then saying it at the same time. Making the same innocent observations filthy. Being on similar paths.

Dammit. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Okay, I do know.

Let me not lie to myself right now. He’s such a great friend. He’s such a wonderful person to know and I don’t even think he realizes it. I tell him my secrets, knowing they won’t go anywhere. I really trust him, so even though I know I’ll be devastated if the possibility of a sorted affair in the future should not work out, I will never make the mistake of cutting him out of my life again.

And whoever he ends up with, I’ll be happy for him. It would be nice to see him really happy again. Is that normal, wanting someone for yourself but more wanting them to be happy even without you?

Anyway. The point is that I survived another day of interacting with him, without spilling my messy love-sick guts. I feel so completely ridiculous and happy at the same time. It’s as if I want to cushion the probable blow of having my feelings known and rejected with this period of indulgence. It’s crazy when feeling love for someone is better than any other possible high…. except for knowing they love you back, of course.

My main issue is trying to find ways not to plot to be around him. I want to go see him the first week of February. Which will seem like I’m in town for something else and ask to meet him because I’m in the “neighborhood”.

Ah, fantasy…