i thought i’d be able to sleep
to keep this charade up without contemplating
but how can it end a different way
if i keep on doing the same thing?
still.
i need the moments to stop for a minute
i need to be able to savor the thought of you
being serious
about the things you said to me
when you thought i wasn’t listening
i need all the times you called me baby and honey to be real
and not just what you say when you can’t remember who you’re talking to.
i need to pretend that i believe i’ve convinced myself that i’m fine enough
to be with you.
just for a few more moments before i fall asleep
i want this emotion between us that is unspoken and so real
to be undeniable.
i want the number of times we, two people who don’t like to stay on the phone,
have spoken in the past week, to be a testament to
that pull i feel
that pull i know
i KNOW
you feel.
i want those little comments you made about showering me with presents, and
taking me to dinner
to still be just sweet innuendo
to still be possible that i misheard you
i want to imagine that your calls to say good morning are meaningless
i want to believe your good night messages are just polite.
but tomorrow will come
and i won’t be able to pretend
that your gentle heart hasn’t brushed against my fragile soul.
and i won’t be able to deny
that i’ve been forward with my interest.
yes… when we start to
erase whatever we’re sharing now with amendments we make tomorrow
or
embrace our feelings fully, even if they are to our own folly…
i can’t hide in these love songs.
and
can’t drown myself in the rhythm of your heart beating in my chest,
caught up in an attraction uninhibited – unsullied – by inaction or reaction.
it would almost be better to stay in this before
than to regroup as friends or be bent by a new passion.
if only i could stay here…
before love
or the denial of…
in the fantasy of your eyes upon me that one time,
with a sea of potential magic just beyond our fingertips.
and yet i cannot
and so i drift off to slumber, seduced softly, swayed by stern songs of lullaby…
off to have my sanctuary shattered as cats are rumored to – curiosity’s casualty..