Contents
So all joking aside, I couldn’t think of how to break this news and nothing I found on Google really satisfied me.
I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no right way, because each person is going to be different.
Can I tell people over text? Should I ask them to come over, go to where they are? Is telling people you don’t see on a regular basis, or for distance reasons, better on the phone? Don’t some people hate talking on the phone period?
When do you tell work friends vs people you work with? DO you tell people you work with?
Do you post it to Facebook? Or can you just start talking about it on Facebook as if everyone you know is supposed to already know? What if you forget to tell someone or think they already know and they end up finding out from your Facebook post?
It was driving me crazy, so honestly I dispensed with the etiquette, stopped looking for rules, and just started telling people.
When
This is actually the most important consideration, I think. If you tell people during the “let’s rule cancer out” stage, you worry people needlessly.
That doesn’t mean bear it alone. I told one family member, waited until the diagnosis visit with the hematologist, and invited my mother to the big reveal.
For close family, when you get the general diagnosis that it is cancer of a certain classification, there’s no need to wait for the specific diagnosis of what sub-type.
Just explain to them that there is a lot of testing between now and “do you need chemo”.
For everyone else, I say wait, because they’re going to ask you all the WHATs.
What
People are all going to ask you these questions. I call them the WHATs.
If you want to save yourself and loved ones a LOT of headache, don’t worry friends that aren’t close or close by with incomplete information.
They need the WHATs.
And you should have that information for them when and if you choose to disclose.
- What kind of cancer do you have?
- (You want to be able to tell them the general type, but if you know the sub-type and it’s not too scary-sounding, I say share that too. If you’re comfortable with whatever people find out via Google)
- Is it treatable?
- Meaning, are you likely to be okay after some down time or are you preparing me for a final goodbye?
- Is it curable?
- Some cancers are curable. Double-check before you answer.
- Long remissions don’t count as cures but since the question really means “when you beat it, can it come back?” that’s the one to answer.
- What are your treatment options?
- (Also known as will you need chemo?)
- When do your treatments start?
- I always had the perception that when a person finds out they have cancer, they immediately get treated for it.Nah. Mad tests first unless you’re in late stages.
- If you don’t know, you can say so. Be prepared for people to ask for lots of updates if you don’t start treatment soon. I’ve found that people are less anxious that I wasn’t wheeled out of my appointment in a gurney if I am specific as to why.
- They want to know why you haven’t been treated yet. My answer is “I have a slower moving lymphoma, but it has a mid-range level of aggressiveness and could morph into diffuse B-cell lymphoma. My doctor sees some signs and wants to adjust the standard treatment accordingly. The test results we’re waiting for will help with that. “
- Is it plausible that you will die or have a shortened life span?
- Be honest, whether you have chosen to ignore statistical probabilities or not. They really want to know if YOU think you’re going to die, and if not, why you’re so sure. Have an answer.
- You may also need to tell them if you’ve chosen not to have the “chances” in your head. There are constant advances in cancer research, some of them so fast, the numbers haven’t had the chance to update. Other people firmly believe that statistical data on death rates do little to predict results on a case by case basis.
- If you don’t want people blurting out information/home remedies you don’t want to know, it’s easiest to be upfront.
Who
Start with immediate family, then extended family, then friends that are like family, then family friends. That’s my advice anyway. I muddied up the process a bit and I wish I hadn’t.
If you have a super-huge family like I do, ask a main person on each extended branch to run point. You tell them, they tell their posse.
Personally I next went by closeness of friend, both physically and geographically. If there was any chance I could tell a far away person when they were closer by in the near future, I waited.
How
Do what makes you feel most comfortable. Yes, this feels like playing the cancer card. Well guess what? You do. Whether you are in the probably-will-be-fine-after-chemo or shit-you-might-die-and-soon camp?
It could just as easily be the other way around. You could be hit by a car tomorrow. You could die of a complication. You could beat the most serious cancer in existence and live another 20 years.
What you need to do is keep your mind on the best case, but throw a glance at that rear view every now and then. That means, take stock of all the fucks you currently have to give in this life and behave as if you will not be issued more.
Where
Again, this was tricky for me.
Family I told in person, at my house, unless they were not going to be close by in the near future. Friends I told according to the typical venue of our friendship.
Friends I mostly communicate with on the phone, I called or texted.
Work friends I mostly communicated by email, I emailed. In either case, if I could possibly tell them in person before they would run into someone who knew and might tell them, thinking they already knew, I did.
I prefer the in-person tell. But with friends and relatives who already knew this news, I felt it was unfair for them to not know whether another person knew and that whole awkward mess. So if I had to tell some people on the phone to avoid that kind of messiness, I did.
Why
This is the most important part.
For entrepreneurs & freelancers, IF you decide to disclose, you probably want to strike a balance between sharing the news before it can affect your work, but after you’ve made provisions to make sure that it won’t.
Whether you work for a company you own or not, if you decide not to disclose, you need to look up how protected you are to hold onto your job if you don’t. Can you miss that much work without causing a problem?
If you appearance changes will that affect your job performance or a perception of it? There are all kinds of things to think about.
Ultimately, for why you should tell friends and family- you need the support. If you have no one, join support groups on and offline. Don’t go through this alone.
There’s really no need.
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