photo credit: petja2008

Sometimes, okay three time since we’ve been together, which has only been about 16 weeks since we’ve been back together but feels like the happiest year of my life, I get so frustrated with him that I want to pull out all my hair and make him eat it.

Granted. But I’ve never met anyone who I was with almost 24 hours a day who I didn’t eventually feel like that about.

However, if I’m being honest with myself, the real problem is that I’m scared that this relationship will somehow change or get broken in a way that I won’t like or can’t be fixed.

Because…. well, I know love isn’t supposed to be based on what someone does for you, but rather, who they are. I love who he is, as a whole picture, so let’s skip that part and look at this list in terms of “bonuses”:

• He does my laundry. This is important to someone who is routinely too physically ill to do laundry.
• He “waits on me hand and foot” – his words. And “enjoys it” – his words.
• He always wants to know what I think and what I want to eat.
• He listens politely even when I know I’m being an insufferable bore and can’t stop myself from talking.
• When he comes to bed at night he holds me in the dark and gently nudges me into sharing myself.
• When he comes to bed at night he holds me and tells me everything that is on his mind and in his heart.
• He tells me he loves me every day.
• He doesn’t believe he deserves me.
• He doesn’t believe that I don’t believe that I deserve him.
• The three times we’ve fought has been because he was frustrated about wanting to make me happy. Or happier.
• The first time I told him I couldn’t sleep, he stayed up with me, until I realized that he was staying awake to keep me company.
• He opens doors for me.
• No matter where he is or who he is with when we talk on the phone, before he hangs up he tells me that he loves me.
• Whenever I’m in a not-great mood, he tries to make it better, even if there’s really nothing he can do to make it better, even if I tell him that and he is met with my unholy bitchiness as a result.
• I told him about the abuse in my childhood and he listened and for once was completely on my side.
• He supports everything I do in every possible way.
• He gets mad if I have a nightmare and don’t wake him up.
• At any hour, on any day, no matter where I am on the planet, or how tired he is not telling me he is, he goes to the store to get anything I ever think I want.
• He remembers the brand, style and size of every single one of my toiletries, including my deodorant, for these types of trips.
• He remembers exactly what I like as far as food, and tries to make sure I get served precisely what I would like.
• He’s a supremely satisfying lover who lets me take charge when I like to, and has plenty of sex with me, as often as I like.
• He makes me laugh, all day long, every single day.

I could go on with that list forever.

And sometimes I have huge raging mountainous doubts about having pledged the rest of my life to him. Like dear-God, he’s a Limbaugh Republican.

Who doesn’t vote. But still, he thinks someone I believe is a hypocritical douche is worthy of listening to in his car on Fridays. He says things like “leftist agenda”. Out loud, where sane people can hear him.

And then lives his life as if he were a Democrat. Which is equally scary, since I’m kinda mad at them too. :)

And yeah, then there’s all the kids he has. Some day I’ll tell you how many and you still won’t believe me. But I love his kids. And I want a house full of them and I’m just too old to have the number I’d like, safely, especially with my medical issues.

Plus he completely loses control of his emotions and screams like a maniac when we disagree. Who doesn’t do that, though? The guys I date seem to think volume makes their points more right.

Anyway. The point is that Even If those were these huge parts of our every day life, rather than rare derailments upon which we go back on course….

Even if I didn’t have that feeling I have about him and with him in these I-can-feel-your-emotions-in-m-body type of soulmate love happenstances…

Even if this somehow, one day, tragically derailed…

All of the wonderful little things about him are so very worth enduring anything. And as I’ve told him so many times, which he fervently seems to think is not true, as long as when I go to bed at night, he’s there with me for 15 minutes of chatting and snuggling, I’m pretty much going to be a happy camper.

All this other stuff is gravy. Great gravy that is spoiling me rotten for any other man on earth.

But. Still.