StockSnap / Pixabay
My signature color is turquoise. A bluish turquoise like the circle in the upper left corner of the clip above. Almost a teal color. I had three outfits that featured that color once. Just as well that I don’t have them anymore because none of them would fit the smaller me.
But still.
Maybe I’ll tell that sad story another day. The point of the story today is that this turquoise reflects in color how my spirit feels when centered. And lately, I’ve been anything but. I’ve felt rocked out of my most familiar places.
For a while I was in a dark blue mode. A lot of pain. Couldn’t move well. Hard to type. Forced myself to stay in motion through the pain because I knew that letting myself become stiff would be worse. And I know it’s partly the grief playing out in my body.
But it’s also so much more than that. Part of the blue is a yearning for love, yet also an aversion to love. I’ve come to understand that I value my independence to the point that I have been sabotaging any of my own attempts to be loved.
Don’t get me wrong – allowing myself to even fully feel romantic love for anyone recently was a big step. For years, I’ve been cutting myself off from the emotion so much that I almost married someone I wasn’t in love with.
I’ve been proposed to four times, married very briefly (and in secret) once, and had several meaningful, deep relationships that lasted more than a few years. I think I was getting used to the idea that this was all I’d be getting in my lifetime. Maybe even given up on the idea of marriage and kids that I so hope for someday very soon.
On the other hand, I also look at my life, and think, I can (and do) go anywhere, at any time, and do whatever it is that I want. And until recently I’ve been thinking of marriage as a trap, mostly subconsciously, but I was still thinking it.
And I think that’s why my friend’s death hit me so hard that I still can’t say his name out loud.
I had to talk about him, in front of people close to him recently. Since I often appear outwardly to be so in control of my emotions, I was mortified to completely break down, and not even be able to get out the story I wanted to tell.
Afterwards I could only fold myself into my bed, sobbing. I wouldn’t answer the phone or the door until a close friend called. And thankfully he didn’t press the fact that I didn’t want to talk. I don’t deny that I need to – but I also don’t know that blubbering nonsensically into the phone will help.
Slowly, I’ve been dealing with this bundle of emotions myself and that’s why I haven’t been around much. The pain that temporarily resides in my body has been magnified due to the stress of this, and some financial issues that have been wearing on me.
But as the money issue has begun to work itself out, and I’ve started to sort through my emotional turmoil, the colors have lightened a bit.
Right now, on the color scale, I would say that I’ve gone from a dark blue the day of my friend’s passing, to an indigo a few days ago. Today I’d say I’m a bright violet. Not completely free of turmoil or scarring, but healing.
And I have some hope, not a lot, but enough to live on, that one day I’ll get back to the turquoise color.
The death was definitely rough on me, but of course it’s not the only issue. I have to kick-start my old business after a very public retirement, without actually un-retiring and raising the expectation that I’ll be working at my formal level. I just want to free myself from certain lingering obligations, and then permanently change the way I generate an income.
This, of course, has to be settled before mid-February, when I have to figure out where I’ll be living after my relatives in Maryland move to West Africa. So yeah, I’ll have to move. Again. Yay.
Nothing gets your health back on track like a potential cross-country move. Yippee.
Then I have to deal with this health care issue. Turns out there’s a small business loophole I can climb through. But it needs funding.
And the launch I was planning on getting about a year’s income from in January is now taking place in February. Which means I need to totally change my plan for January, so that by the end of that month, I’ll have the cash for moving and to take care of my health.
Blah. I think I’ll go under the covers again…