My signature color is turquoise. A bluish turquoise like the circle in the upper left corner of the clip above. Almost a teal color. I had three outfits that featured that color once. Just as well that I don’t have them anymore because none of them would fit the smaller me. But still. Maybe I’ll tell that sad story another day. The point of the story today is that this turquoise reflects in color how my spirit feels when centered. And lately, I’ve been anything but. I’ve felt rocked out of my most familiar places. For a while I was in a dark blue mode. A lot of pain. Couldn’t move well. Hard to type. Forced myself to stay in motion through the pain because I knew that letting myself become stiff would be worse. And I know it’s partly the grief playing out in my body. But it’s also so much more than that. Part of the blue is a yearning for love, yet also an aversion to love. I’ve come to understand that I value my independence to the point that I have been sabotaging any of my own attempts to be loved. Don’t get me wrong – allowing myself to even fully feel romantic love for anyone recently was a big step. For years, I’ve been cutting myself off from the emotion so much that I almost married someone I wasn’t in love with. I’ve been proposed to four times, married very briefly (and in secret)

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