” my people built this motherfucka and i know my way around.”
Don King
nigger,nigga *
sometimes i prick myself with the knife
sometimes i know who can hurt me and
sometimes i show him
where to find what kills me inside
where to find the blade of betrayal and,
where to shove it to cause me the greatest pain.
how to twist it
and when the blood will come out
for his maximum enjoyment
i dont know why.
i use the word carelessly
with my friends
as in
nigga please
and nigga fuck you
and nigga this
and, nigga that.
and sometimes i am ashamed of what
my mouth shares with the world
and sometimes i say
nigga, fuck you.
i say what i want when i want
to express what i want to express
this is America
motherfucka
my niggas
as they were being called niggas
built this
niggarific shit
and i know where my niggas is at.
sometimes i prick myself with the knife
sometimes i know who can hurt me and
sometimes i show him
where to find what kills me inside
where to find the blade of betrayal and,
where to shove it to cause me the greatest pain.
how to twist it
and i tell him when the blood will come out
for his maximum enjoyment.
i dont know why.
i use the word carefully
to define the desperate failings
of my people
when i see them on Jerry Springer
or in line to buy
whatever sells to
hopelessness
as in
nigger why
and damn nigger
you making us All
look bad.
and sometimes i am ashamed that
i feel this way about people who look like me
and sometimes i say
niggers,
if the enemy comes dressed up like you
that’s twice the reason to be scared.
sometimes i prick myself with the knife
sometimes i know who can hurt me and
sometimes i show him
where to find what kills me inside
where to find the blade of betrayal, and,
where to shove it to cause me the greatest pain.
how to twist it
and tell him when the blood will come out
for his maximum enjoyment.
i dont know why.
i am used by this word
with particular care
to wound me where i bleed best
when my heart aches
i cannot understand
why i attach such pain to a word
why i additionally let all know of my hurt
why i expose the site of my destruction
why i
repeatedly
predictably
state when and where my anguish lies
so he can strike again
so he does strike me again and again
and again and again and again
because i so eloquently articulated the site of my historical agony.
so i am the instrument of my own emotional destruction.
sometimes i prick myself with the knife
sometimes i know who can hurt me and
sometimes i show them
where to find what kills me inside
where to find the blade of betrayal, and,
where to shove it to cause me the greatest pain.
how to twist it
and tell them when the blood will come out
for his maximum enjoyment.
i dont know why.
i dont know why i still bleed from this old wound.
and
i dont know why i cry.
* People ask me how I feel about the N word. Well. There you go.