This is an amended version of my list of qualities I’d like to have in the man I ultimately settle down with. And if you’re curious, yes, I’ve picked one of the two current contenders to “see what happens” with, and gave the other his walking papers.
Regardless of where it goes with this guy, he’s a great friend, and we’re having a great time, the current level of affection is mutual, and he scores a 98% on the list.
I don’t want to prognosticate over this one. All I’ll say is, I’ve never had butterflies in my stomach before, and because of him I know how that feels.
But that’s a post for another hour or day. We’ll call him Lava from here on out. On with the List…
Must Haves
Completely available right now, physically, emotionally, and technically. I’m not saying we have to be joined at the hip. I’d actually prefer we not be. But I don’t want to go after someone only to find out they aren’t looking for what I’m looking for in life.
He’s gotta be willing to go through a courtship period. I want to date. And visit. I don’t do the whole hi-pizza-date-sex thing the kids do now.
Wow. I just called them “the kids”.
Like an old person…. anyway.
He also has to be funny, and gets my often dirty sense of humor.
Conversationalist. Non-negotiable. Can’t be with someone I can’t talk to, though I far from want to yak all day. I’m a much quieter person than my long narratives would make me appear. I actually speak better on paper than one-on-one. I think with my fingers.
Dedicated/Devoted without smothering me, or expecting me to become an appendage. Will accept same treatment from me. I want his heart not 24 hours a day.
Very Faithful, as in monogamous
Very Loyal, as in it’s us against the world until we’re behind closed doors. And monogamous.
Likes to be in love (rather than seeing it as a nuisance/hinderance/trap/secret)
Take-charge, but not bossy, a leader rather than a tyrant. Someone I’d be proud to follow, or partner with.
Respects his elders, and has a general reverence for the brotherhood of humanity
Above average intelligence. I want someone who is smarter than me at some things, wiser even.
DEPENDABLE*** Not looking for super-punctual but taking two hours to go walking distance from the house and pick up some chicken wings is unacceptable.
Entrepreneur or Otherwise Ambitious (Creative, Sales, Academic or Professional, doesn’t matter)
Loves what he does
Enjoys music – at least jazz, neo soul, R & B or Hip Hop, or just music in general. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t love music, even if it’s music I don’t even like. It won’t work.
Similar political ideals. I tried dating someone who was the opposite. Didn’t work especially because he didn’t even believe his OWN bs.
Faithful. As in Loyal. As in Devoted. As in Monogamous. Did I say extremely monogamous?
Not homophobic, religious, sexist or racially prejudiced (I know that some people have ideological differences with other people, and choose to tolerate but not accept. That’s fine. But I can’t stand bigotry of any kind.)
Spiritually Open (specific religion doesn’t matter as long as he doesn’t mind getting married in a church. )
Marriage Minded – he’s got to be dating with at least the INTENTION of finding someone to get married to eventually. I would prefer a long engagement, and am not in a rush to get married. But I’m not dating casually.
Physically and verbally affectionate. Consistently. I don’t need to be told “I love you” every day. I had that, and found out that the words were so easy for this guy to say every time he left my vision because they were a LIE, lol.
I want someone who isn’t afraid of my feelings or his feelings, who will touch me. It doesn’t have to be sexual, though that’s nice. I like hugs, to kiss, or to hold hands, or play with someone’s hair. And again, this doesn’t have to be an every day thing, but it does have to be consistent. Not all lovey-dovey-sappy when he’s in a good mood one day, then nothing for weeks or months.
Been there. Done that. The T-Shirt Sucked.
Romantic – willing to romance. And be romanced. I like to do the whole seduction thing, and set up a scene for romance. What can I say? I’m insane like that. And I’d rather have someone share my insanity than get treatment.
Generally happy disposition, rather than moody. Being with someone positive slowly but surely puts an end to my occasional blues.
Believes in improving himself, and especially believes in positive thinking. Being with someone who isn’t positive or not taking action to achieve eventually pisses me right the fuck off.
Likes a curvaceous woman – I’m not fat but I’ll never be skinny and I’m happy about that.
By the same token, I’d like a man who has some meat on his bones. One Big Mac away from a heart attack is too much. But I like a man who can give me a bear hug without me ramming into his ribs. I like to stay in shape but I also believe in moderation in all things.
Loves children. As in will play with them, care for them, not just acknowledge that he seeded them.
Will respect the fact that I’m from a different culture, and be tolerant of how close I am to my family and the fact that they’ll want to adopt him. Ideal for a man who longs for a family connection because my fam WILL connect. Ha.
Appreciate a Very sensual woman. This is another one thing there’s no room for negotiation on. Never again will I apologize for who I am.
Preferences
Enjoys movies – at least action pictures. Particularly martial arts fliks and those with intricate plots
34- 45. Early to mid 40s would work best I think, but I’ve had good runs with younger men.
Slow to anger, and when roused, aims to resolve the issue rather than just win an argument. I really like guys who can step back from emotion and just look at a problem logically. I tend to do that once I’ve calmed down, and try to come to a compromise or deal of some kind.
Someone who goes to bed at night and stays in bed most of the time.
I don’t mind people who get up once a twice a week to do something inspired. I’m an artist at heart. I’ve lived with artists. HOWEVER, don’t expect me to sleep in the same bed with you if your version of co-bedding is waiting until I fall asleep to sneak off and do some dirt. I will put red pepper in all your drawls.
Gentlemanly behavior – the whole open-car-door thing really excuses a lot of other things. I can change my mind about four must-haves if a man kisses my hand, helps me over puddles, walks on the outside of the curb, opens the door for me, and generally treats me like a lady.
Philanthropist or aspires to be – HUGE turn-on. MAJOR. The amount of trouble this one feature will get you out of is not to be under-estimated. A man doing for his fellow-man is the ultimate.
Likes poetry. Or at least would read it if I wrote some about him.
5 foot 11 or taller. Yeah, I’m 5 foot three but I prefer tall men. And I usually get them. My descendants need some height. It’s a strong preference, but at the same time, if the right man is five foot five, it’s not an deal breaker.
Nice dresser, likes to dress up more than business casual on occasion, but looks good in a basketball jersey and jeans too.
Wants to have children, or at least one child with me should we get married. I’d like to have kids. When I achieve millionaire status, I plan to at least unofficially adopt two sibling groups if that’s acceptable to my partner.
Familiar with current West African culture, or willing to become familiar.
Eats meat. Mostly because I like to cook for my man and I’m not that up on veggie fare. But I’ll take a vegetarian if he’s not judgmental.
Enjoys traveling, would take a trip with me at least once a year, an actual vacation
Dreadlocks or bald. A bald head is a big deal. Dreadlocks are a HUGE deal. I had dreds. I love dreds. Even more now that folks aren’t rocking them as a fashion statement.
So that’s my ad. Print it up, mail it out. Tell your friends. ;)
If you’re single and you don’t have a list, ask yourself why not — for what reason should you not plan for your future mate as a goal to be attained like your financial success? Why should there be more thought put into your grocery list than your future spouse?
I decided to put mine in public so I can keep myself accountable, particularly to my close friends who read my blog. I can’t come here and write my gushing adoration to someone and then tell you he has attributes that aren’t compatible with the list.
It’s also about just realizing, as I go along with life, what I want and recording it somewhere. You greatly increase your chances of attaining an objective just by writing it down.
Next up, I’ll give you the dish on Lava.