And as suspected that’s SO totally not going to happen. But for the aforementioned obvious reasons, and the fact that not keeping it from him seems to have enhanced our friendship greatly already, I’m not real broken up about it.
I thought I’d feel betrayed or ugly or stupid or something. But he actually handled it very well. I am disappointed (gee whiz, I’m not THAT healthy!) but not devastated. As I mentioned repeatedly — and can’t seem to stop mentioning, vain fuck that I am — I had standbys in the wing, ready to console me.
I know. Ha! I’m a mess! ;)
So anyway, I may write a few more poems about him… but as usually happens in the few cases where my feelings aren’t returned in kind, that feeling is fading. I can only hold a torch to someone for so long before it starts to go out on its own.
You see what I did there. Flame. Torch. Never mind…
As always, if nothing else, I have got some seriously beautiful poetry out of it. They’re the ones tagged flame poetry.
Unexpectedly? It’s a little bit of relief. Again, not VERY, I’m truly not that together. But in the back of my mind, I feel like had my feelings been returned in kind, it threw all kinds of other complications into the mix. Was I going to move across the country Again for love?
Would I have potentially derailed myself? Because as I said, I knew very clearly that if he’d said, okay, great, come to me, I would have been on the next flight, no kidding. Potentially repeating the same cycle that brought me here. In a healthier situation, yes, but still not necessarily a healthy choice.
The point is, the more i run “what if it had worked out” scenarios in my head, the more I find ways that it wouldn’t have. Which is good. Because now I don’t have to sit here and convince myself it’s all for the best. Because in all likelihood, it is.