So a friend of mine who knows me in real life just asked me that if the Flame thing happened today, then what is “in memory of” about?
She pointed out that it was a blue flame. So why wasn’t it in the flame category if it was about Flame, and if it wasn’t, was the whole flame thing a coincidence or what? Trick question because I don’t believe in coincidence, just synchronicity. Well, the blue flame was in reference to the fact that I based a character in a novel I am writing on him, a guy named Flow, who is in love with the title character, Innocent Beguiles, who we meet when she is being chased by a man encased in a blue flame.
(Now that that Hell Boy character uses my blue flame, I may choose some other color. Only purple would work though. Dang it. Anyway.) I’m being jokey to avoid my feelings, I’m realizing. Because even thinking about this a little is tearing me up.
I want to lay in someone’s arms and cry for a few hours. And right now, I don’t have anyone in proximity who can be that person for me.
This dear friend of mine who the character is based on passed away, someone who, like the two gentlemen I wrote about previously, I was in love with and didn’t feel it necessary to reveal myself to at the time. It was very unexpected and sudden. And he had been feeling really deep feelings for me, at the time when I was feeling deep feelings for Flame.
Noticing a pattern? I love someone, I don’t tell them, I later find out they loved me too or they’re gone before I can find out.
Awesome.
Anyway. I’m getting all jokey to try and hold back the crying. This person passed away in the last 24 hours and I’m so raw from it, I could only tell one person, one of my closest friends. And sadly, I only told him to deflect some other thoughts I was having. I really have issues. Okay the jokes aren’t working anymore and I can’t even do this right now