If I was to go by people I know the best, people who fulfilled the promises they made to me, this would be the person closest to being the love of my life, the one who got away. If I’m being honest, the only reason I didn’t give him the crown before was that he was out of the realm of possibility, in that he was taken at the time I was doing my tally.
He’s not anymore, hasn’t been for longer than I would have thought.
But I have to call him a crush because I just can’t go there. And if by some miracle it seems that I can, at the very least not yet.
It’s not that new guy (we’re calling him Flame) is bad for me. It’s not that I’d be bad for new guy. Truthfully, thinking back I believe the only reason Flame and I are apart is circumstance.
The circumstances were these (why did they cancel Pushing Daisies?).
Number One:
I’ve been through a lot of turmoil in my life, and my main coping mechanism is to block things out. I avoid thinking about things that are painful, finding a distraction until they’re just gone. This can be good in the sense that I’m functional for that period of time. It helped me survive the part of my childhood that is peppered with sexual abuse.
So blocking out bad thoughts clearly it has its place, in terms of temporary survival tactics.
Still, it’s bad in that I mentally throw the baby out with the bath water, meaning I cease to think about six months or a year of my life and anyone who reminds me of that time period is essentially dead to me. I met him during a time of unforeseen tragedy, and in forgetting that to get past it, I forgot about him.
I distanced myself, and in that time, he met someone else, who, by the time I invited him back into my life, he was in a serious relationship with. At the time, so was I.
Sometime around the time I became unentangled from my lover, so did he with his, unbeknownst to me, he was no longer with. By this time, we had started to become friends again.
So that circumstance has been overcome, it’s not like I’m going backwards out of nostalgia, adopting an old relationship with its old problems.
Number Two:
On top of my rock-em sock-em block-em robot issue, I find it extraordinarily hard to trust people.
Okay, not true. Obviously I trust “people” as a group, or I wouldn’t have my little lovefest here online. I find it hard to trust a person, an individual, a new friend. Though, nce I feel my trust has been earned, I’m loyal to a fault.
But since trust deepens over time, catch-22 here we come.
Trust is one of the primary components of love. So there’s that. I can’t even trust Flame enough right now to tell him that I’m still in love with him.
Shit Shit Shit
I’m still in love with him.
Now, that’s one parallel with my relationship with Droplet (the ex-fiance) that I’m not comfortable with. Of course, comparing the love I shared with Flame and the love I had with Droplet is like comparing a hot extra vanilla latte to instant coffee.
Still.
How Can I Still Be In Love With Him?
Better question – how could I have still been in love with him all this time and not known it? Answer – I buried it, apparently. As we talked about, I’m good at that. Too good.
I was initially just reminiscing about what it feels like to me, to truly be loved, in the aftermath of my break-up with Droplet, because I wanted to make sure I never settle for anything less than that again.
This last time I settled because I heard the words “Marry me”. Droplet never followed through with any of this promises related to asking for my hand, not one. And they weren’t outrageous promises mind you. But I held on because I thought, I’m 36. Who else is going to marry me?
My biological clock had just started ticking, and I had marriage/baby on the brain. So I did a lot of compromising, because I believe that’s what relationships are about.
Problem is, both parties have to compromise and he did not.
Anyway, back to how I came to realize I love Flame still.
I found this love letter he’d written to me. And it all came rushing back. Not the memories, or even the memories of the feelings, which is what normally happens.
The actual love.
I’m wandering into such dangerous territory. I can tell he feels that something is different between us, too. It seems he’s suddenly being freer when we speak, talking off the top of his head, before he felt a bit guarded.
And he seems to be reacting to me the same way he did before either of us would talk about what we were feeling the last time.
Which really scares the crap out of me. Unless I’m imagining/projecting all of that, which is even scarier. :)
Already losing my nerve to be resolute. Maybe I should just play it cool for now, get myself fly again, then fly out there for a short visit for the first part of February.
Shit Shit ShitshitshitSHIT shit. I can’t do this. I have to finish recovering- don’t I? He’s probably not recovered from his break-up yet. Even if he’s totally fine, I can’t just pounce on him now, out of… respect or something like that.
And … and.
Hm.
What were the other reasons again?
Shit.