I am so good at being in love that I’m afraid of being in love.
Because I had this idea in my head that love ends. For the longest time, I built my business as a distraction from heartache. Somehow it became my built-in barrier to falling in love. And of course it doesn’t have to be, because I can technically work anywhere.
Then one day, my heart broken particularly harshly, with someone I was passionately close to, whose growth as an artist I groomed, went to visit a lover I didn’t know about on our company money, and fell in love with her.
On a weekend when I was really sick, immobile in bed sick. And yeah, then he stole a bunch of my stuff from the place we were staying in together. While I helplessly watched.
Clllllllllassy. I sure can pick ’em, right?
But that’s the thing. I can pick ’em.
This guy wasn’t all bad, in fact, he wasn’t bad most of the relationship – it was almost like he curdled, like spoiled milk. And this is why, even though I yearn to love, I’m also AFRAID to love. It’s not the heartache and pain that’s possible when you risk it all.
It’s that I never want it to end in flat-out Betrayal again. Because of some of the things that happened during my youth, I have a huge problem with someone betraying me. I don’t mind so much losing a man to someone else. I do mind when someone can’t wait to break up with me before they go off and sleep with that someone else.
And all of that amounts to why I’m afraid to love – I’m not afraid of the possible pain in general, which I always assumed. I’m afraid of the possibility of Betrayal.
Isn’t that crazy?
It’s crazy in the most beautiful way though. I understand myself so much better now. I know why I prefer to be friends with a guy first – I believe if you’re good enough friends with a person, they won’t hurt you the same way someone who only knows you as a lover will.
It’s why I have, on and off, chosen unavailable men. Not just to enjoy the yearning, not just because it meant I could be in love but not have to DO anything about it.
But because I was afraid to be able to do something about it and then be stabbed in the back.
Now that I realize this about myself, consciously, I can accept it, and so quickly it’s shocking to me, overcome it. I’m absolutely feeling fully ready to love someone who can be with me, here, right now.
I’m absolutely ready to risk the fact that it may start out lovely and then not work out. I can even risk that I could be betrayed. I wouldn’t like it. But first of all, what are the odds that it would happen again to who I am today, versus who I was then? I wasn’t as honest with myself then as I am now, and I certainly didn’t push myself to live as fully.
Even more importantly, I’m ready to accept that it might start out perfectly lovely, and stay that way. I’m willing to accept that it’s likely, even probable, that while we’ll have our ups and downs like any couple, we’ll be happy in love too.
I’m accepting of this to the point that I believe that my belief is drawing this person ever closer to me. Not my belief alone of course, I’m big on action when the time is appropriate –in fact I told a friend of mine what the perfect man looks like to me, and had him start working on finding this gentleman out.
As of right now, today, I’m making the space for this love that will come into my life to breathe and flourish. I’m open and accepting of whatever direction it may come from, however, I’m also watching that I’m not settling for less than what I want out of the desire to get this love moving towards marriage.
I believe in this love and that it’s already coming towards me, as I move forward to embrace it.
What do YOU believe?
What do you accept into your life today?