That’s a picture of Sam Cooke. For some reason, Chain Gang has been on my mind today.
Every day having cancer has been harder than my old life. It seems so far away now.
Today was an especially hard day, somehow harder than yesterday.
Yesterday was my weekly oncologist visit, and a primary care physician visit that turned into a half day from hell, followed by not being Able to rest after. I have had the same cough for 7+ weeks. Since I have two small masses in my lungs that have yet to be biopsied, everyone is pretty concerned that my cough isn’t going away for two reasons.
First, my labs contradict me having this much trouble to an extent. My immune system is compromised, but not so much that I should have a cough without a cold for this long.
Second, I’ve been rebuking lung cancer since the beginning. Rebuking everything really.
They told me I had cancer. After the shock wore off, I told everyone what I believe – like all other adversity in my life, it was sent for me to be blessed or deliver a blessing.
I’ve been holding on for a long time, believing, praying, mediating – though less than I should.
I’ve been keeping a positive attitude through
- the possibility of losing my business,
- not having enough money to live, let alone have such an expensive-ass disease,
- having to leave behind friendships and relationships,
- still continuing to deal with my nerve pain and back pain
- Still having to work on the projects I don’t have the margins to outsource
- Having Chemo brain when I do intellectual work
- people who KNOW I have cancer bothering me with unnecessary petty nonsense
- the rude & sometimes cruel things people decide they’re allowed to do say or do to you because you have cancer
I could go on for days, but you get the idea- from the time I knew something was wrong to right now has been over a year and a half. Not only keeping the faith and my head up.
Even as all these possible lung cancer symptoms came up, I kept thinking it could be something else. Wheezing? My asthma. Fatigue? Well I am going through chemo. For every symptom I had an explanation.
But the more my cough is investigated, the more things they are ruling out, the less reassuring my doctors are being.
Well. I’m fresh the fuck out of positive attitude.
Especially after yesterday and then today. Today was so bad? I’m not even going to describe today. I’m just going to go over the highlights of yesterday. From that you would understand that me not being able to just lay in bed all day today is a karmic crime on its own.
But not tonigh. I’ve used all my energy.