i’m so tired. and i don’t want to hear your empty platitudes. there’s just so much of the pain. i thought i could bear it. i thought i was even engineered for the carrying of uneven weights, for the coupling of blessings and curses. but. this. pain. like background noise it goes on forever. and sure, some of it is exacerbated by stress and things psychological, and on the one hand there’s no such thing as the physical realm and we’re all just one being, individuated, projecting our reality in a dreamscape that doesn’t actually exist. but locally? i’m in agony. and all the positive thinking and energy in the world doesn’t put it to an end. since 1992. seventeen years. 17. i’ve been in pain every day. every single motherfucking day. no. i’m totally serious. it never completely goes away. i get to a point where i say that i’m fine because it’s that low grade ache that i can forget about if a movie is funny enough, if a lover is competent enough, if a moment contains enough joy for me to ignore what’s happening in that part of my body to go into my head and eclipse it with something mental or another physical sensation. but yes, every day. and sometimes. not every day but sometimes. i’m just living for something to happen so i won’t feel like i wish i was dead. not that i’d ever be suicidal because how can you die without inflicting more

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