Loving someone platonically or being in love sets you free in so many ways. Being able to blog about it, strangely, is just as freeing. It’s particularly grand to get feedback about the words I record here from people who can relate or are just enjoying the journey.
Because of something that happened this morning though, I’m left with a question: do I keep blogging about love?
So what happened?
Because of something incredibly stupid I did, the crush in question may have Googled the title of an article I sent him that I copied from here. Let’s not even talk about how the fact that I did something that dumb leads me to believe that my subconscious feeling about telling him is much stronger than I thought.
I’m gonna save that torture for later.
The question for now is, whether or not he is reading the rest of the blog, do I keep blogging freely or clam up?
Because he’s not a stupid person. If he decides to come back and visit the blog, he’ll quickly figure out that I’m in love. Hopefully he just won’t feel like/have time to read my every thought about it.
But if he eventually does, he’ll realizes it’s him because of the context of each poem/post. I’d basically have to delete several of them for him not to catch on that they’re about him. Then he’ll have to figure out if I am posting old poems and thoughts and feelings, or if they are from recently.
The point is, he’d figure it out sooner or later. When would be the big question.
On the one hand, continuing to blog what I’m feeling would be a catharasis and would help me get a handle on how I feel, and reign me in from getting carried away. On the other, I’m sure there will be instances where I won’t to write about something, thinking not so much “what if he reads this” as “what if he responds”?
And on the third hand (let’s pretend I’m a carnie, the Amazing 3-handed Tinu), even if he knows about this place, after the excitement he probably won’t read it much, and it would bring a new layer of thrilling subtext: I wonder if he read what I said and how he feels about that if he did.
Update: I have confirmed that he was, in fact, the one who came to the site through that Google search. However, as reflected in my server logs, he didn’t read any further, at least not from that computer. When asked directly, he told me that he did come to the site.
Of course, in so doing, he never promised not to come back, and I don’t remember the IP address he came from (Latest Visitors only records the lst 300, and on a rolling basis.) So while he is so far honoring my request that he keep his cute nose out of this spot, he may be back.
Suggestions? Advice? Help me! My logs say 100 of you are viewing 10 pages a day of this site, take a minute to boss me around.
Please. I need your help.