Why am I keeping all these beautiful thoughts and feelings to myself? Why not share them with the person(s) they’re about? (You did know I meant my love questions, right? ;) )
For Flame in particular, my hopes for having something with him, are quite frankly, dim. It’s a long shot at best, and so I’m waiting for the optimal revelation time, for the following reasons.
1. I’m still sick.
No one I’d love is that shallow that they’d love me less because of it, but as a side effect of not having the energy to get out of bed some days, I don’t feel my best. I lost 80 pounds last year, but I’m still really sensitive about anyone taking my picture. I’m not ME yet. And I can’t be with anyone until I’m the real me again, unless they originally knew me as this me, you know?
Physically, mentally and emotionally. I’m not going to wait until I feel like I’m perfect. First that will never happen! But I do want to wait until I’ve recovered enough to have normal days, and share them with someone else.
2. Because I’m not a selfish bitch.
His situation is complex. It won’t be forever, but it is now. And no, he’s not a bigamist or anything like that.
And I don’t want to be an additional complication to anyone’s life. Not just for him but for my own, selfish reasons. (Yeah, I’m kinda selfish in this regard.
Still not a bitch though. ;) )
This next time I have to be the number Only woman. Coming off a relationship with someone who has 6 kids and 4 baby mamas, this is Really important. While we’re on that tangent? I’m a reasonable person. I can take one baby mama, as long as she’s romantically out of the picture. I was ready to take on 4.
But not if I had to be kept a secret. Oh yes, yet another lovely thing I found out about Droplet along the way. He was keeping me a secret from the rest of his harem.
And oh by the way did I mention? One of the baby’s mamas he was still married to even though they split up during in 2002.
(Which of course I didn’t find out until we were living together. CLASSY. You stay classy, Austin.)
So with that and my own issues with my illness? I’m full up on drama, thanks. NO SOUP FOR YOU.
3- Regular, old fashioned fear.
I’m a big fraidy-cat. I admit it. You happy now?
The fears I have though, are with some merit. If that sounds like I’m rationalizing, I am.
I have to do everything I can to keep myself from indulging in the ridiculously bad idea of revealing my feelings too soon. Every morning I have to talk myself out of it.
Still, I’m working on my fears, because when I do reveal myself, I don’t want to do so out of embarrassed mortification. I want it to be my last passage into the new me, a right of first-refusal if you will.
If that doesn’t make sense, read my next reason.
4- The possibility of being with him has become a huge motivator, a big wave of action-taking in my life. Some of my lack of energy, though not all, has been from feeling depressed and unworthy.
Even without having my feelings returned, remembering how he made me feel before we even got the chance to really be something to each other, is lifting me up. It’s giving me energy I didn’t have before. It’s helping to focus me, to remind me that yes, I do deserve better. And yes, I am beautiful and Droplet isn’t the only one on earth ever to have thought so.
My life is coming together again, and this awakening is party responsible.
But. I’m not magically all better. I’m still a bit sensitive, tentative, not quite back to my normal confidence level. When I’m back there, if I get rejected, I’ll be able to take that rejection in stride. I’m not far from that point, knowing me. But a rejection now would hurt all of my feelings, and on top of me breaking up with Droplet recently, and the toll his borderline-stalkerism is causing, I’m really not feeling another blow to my ego right now.
You don’t know what it’s like to be in an African family and tell everyone you’re getting married, then not go through with the engagement.
What if my love is accepted and reciprocated? Well, that brings me to reason 5.
5- It became really important for me to make sure I have a place for a relationship in my life so that I will neither be giving something up of myself to be with someone, nor gaining a responsibility I don’t have time for yet.
Right now, in the present timing, I don’t have the time to love Flame the way he should be loved. I have the priority of getting myself back on track mentally, getting my business on track to profits of 20k-60k a quarter, and regaining my physical health and strength. The way I’m going now I should be on pace by February.
Last time I was in love, I gave up;
- the prospect of owning a house
- being around my family,
- helping to raise my sister’s twins,
- being around my friends,
- my in-person support network,
- the chance to grow even closer to my youngest sister who has become my best friend,
- the second-wind of my business recovering,
- rent-free living in a clutter-free home,
- and not having bills for a year except for a phone bill, a car note, and my medical bills.
Right now, I can’t say I wouldn’t derail my life to be with Flame. If he told me today he wanted to be with me, I’d be on the next flight. Until I can say that doing that wouldn’t mess up my own life plans, I need to suck it up.
Also, once I do have room for love in my life, in addition to what I already have, not as something I will sacrifice, then I’d like to have some other options in place in case it doesn’t work out. I have several prospects warming up… and if I’m back at even 80%, I can create prospects anywhere I go, LOL.
IE, if it didn’t work out, I’d have a fan club to console me.
Don’t get me wrong. If we choose each other, he’ll be the only one for me, for as long as I’m the only one for him. BUT, if he doesn’t choose me back, it won’t be a crushing defeat in say, 2 months, as it would be today.
It may seem that I’ve really put a ridiculous amount of thought into my little crush. And I have, so that’s true. But not in the sense that I don’t realize that life is messy, and rarely goes according to plan. I’m ready for what if he happens upon this blog and figures out what part of it is about him. I’m pretty sure this isn’t going to go as planned no matter what I do.
Still, it’s important for me to articulate to myself all the reasons for doing this the way I’m doing it so I can keep my big mouth shut for a few weeks or months more.