I’m sure I’ve mentioned *cough!*whined!*cough* about the issues I’d been having with my self image, and I tell you, several things have changed that lately.

First of all, I went on the Atkins diet for a minute and rapidly and permanently lost a significant amount of weight starting in November. I started working out a little bit more and my back started feeling better… it’s hard to get the right balance of activity when I’m recovering, so that I’m not doing so much that I strain myself, but not doing so little that I’m stiff.

But for some reason, on and off since November, I’ve been hitting that spot. I’ve had my bumps and bruises and I’m not 100% yet. But I’m really started to feel good, to look good, and most importantly, to FEEL like I look good.

I’ve been off Atkins for nearly three weeks and I’m STILL losing weight like I’m at the end of the first stage of the plan. Probably due to the amount of activity I’m engaged in each day.

The second thing that happened is that I have started going out a bit more. Now that I am not in the kind of shape where as soon as I get somewhere I need someone to help me to the car and go back home, I don’t feel like a burden to whoever’s taking me somewhere.

I can even travel within a week from any given day, being able to pretty fairly predict from the way my body feels today, how I’ll be in a week. Big news since it used to vary so wildly from day to day for about two and a half years that I couldn’t plan trips, and had to order wheelchair service just in case, whenever I fly.

I’ve walked about half a mile on my own and not had problems. I have to go slowly, and rest half way, but I’m really doing a lot better than I hoped, a lot sooner than I hoped.

Anyway, on these outings, what do you know, I see people who know me, who saw me at my youngest sister’s wedding who are like, Oh My Goodness, Tinu, you’re disappearing.

And I know you ladies feel me — it’s one thing to realize that none of your fat clothes, then your regular sized clothes don’t fit because they’re all too big for you.

It’s quite another when someone else notices it so much that they do a double take and beg you for your secret.

Thing number three I’ll talk more about in another post. But I finally broke down and got a Brazilian training corset thingee to help my back, figuring the support would help, and as a plus, I can get my waist cinched.

It’s been working so well that I’ve already gone down one more size – I just got the thing last week. I lost so many inches that jeans I couldn’t pull up over my hips last week now fit me comfortably even without the corset on.

It ain’t no joke. I’ll do a found gems post about it.

Thing number four you partly know about already: male attention. Specifically from one male, but from the men in general.

Now the significance of the specific male is that he knew me at what I used to consider the peak of my beauty. Knew me in college, in various states of undress, know what I’m saying?

So he and I reconnecting and him thinking of me as just as beautiful as I was then, if not more-so, is of note above and beyond whatever this thing is that’s happening between us now. The reason being that mentally, I used to compare myself to that me in my head, thinking I’m not as pretty as I once was.

Now, I’m not only back to realizing that I’m just a different type of beauty again, I’m having moments where I feel like my present image beats the one I had before. A lot of this is due to the way the aforementioned gentleman relates to me now. To the point that if that’s the only reason he’s back in my life, it’s plenty enough for me.

I feel like I’m myself again. I definitely still have some work to do before I feel superlative, but I no longer want to hide when someone knocks on the door. Sometimes I even want to rush to see who it is so I can show off today’s look.

HUGE change for me.

Thoughts on the pictures are welcomed.

Tinu in Soul and Memory painting - Click for larger image.

we are sitting on a conjunction,
you…
…… i….
conjugating the world between us to
our likeness as best we can

we pause/knowing
there is only so far we can go
yellow traffic lights are our emblem.

also…

we creep towards bliss
slide as languidly as possible
in the direction of kiss
not wanting to destroy
chances to create

knowing
we may have been too late to taste
the wonders in each other
the twine of matrimonied lovers one far day
so we stay
transfixed to this
transition….

too….

we invent a space
to live
a home in each other’s hearts
neither friend only
nor lover yet
simply love unexamined or debated
adoration demonstrated
on page’s words
to be one day heard
in verse of song
or
lifted out of souls that long
to recall each other.

but differently.
for this is no re-run of near past, no.
our world is a stage where the same players
repeat similiar dances through ages immemorial
our ancestral memory is shared
choreographed fight with fate
repaired
i sit in quiet recollection
of eyes that used to drink me
on quiet nights deep in the delta of the Niger
showing me
how love is supposed to be
how real men love unafraid in this world

let the world-bound dispute
our shared remembrance…
spirit’s knowledge overrules…

in addition….

mortal realms eventually interrupt
our silent reflection of day’s past
forcing us to look upon today again
where we do not know where our heart’s embrace will lead
where my vision of carrying your seed is invalidated
where your declarations of me as lovely are
ignorant of the fact that
your beholding eye
is what makes me the precious night flower of the universe
and your reflection is
what gives any pre-existing beauty of mine
wings
to fly into your heart.

furthermore…

the summation of all these realities
cannot combat the fact that we must wait
for life to unfold to us an opening
if there is to be one
wide enough for us to walk through together…
or painfully drop hands and pass through life apart.

the irony is that
these precious moments you have given me
these possibilities you have shown of what adoration can mean
these bilssful moments, short as they may be
were given with your love
and if i need to be sustained into the next world
i dont know if i fill you likewise
but for me…..
any secret seconds we share are enough….

still i hope for the chance to repay the golden era of rebirth you ignited in my life
in a future where one day our lives will move beyond this stop sign
and destiny will reward our patience
with the chance for us to….. one day…..
finish falling in love

Tinu in Soul and Memory painting - Click for larger image.

i seek water
from the bottom of my soul

they were bringing me over
i sat silent at the bottom of a womb’s dream
it called me forth into the darkness
come it said
pointing me towards a small dot of light.
majestic primordial sound
oozing beams of celestial’s caress
dancing
spinning
into the dark of me
skin with gold undertones to make me free
they touch their amber hands to me
i… remember..

i seek water
from the bottom
of my soul

it was their hands that charmed me.
disarmed by the graceful long fingers of silver fire
tracing tears drops in a clear glass of ice
sliding down my throat in perfection
as i stifled grief
and tried to bring forth the God in me
She crept silently into my awakening
He lived loudly in the sleeping crowd of me
here they said
these are why you were born
and they lay crystal visions.
i saw his face, prophetic.
there is purple painted across
my dreams of him.
i … recall

i seek water
from the bottom
of my soul

will i be nourished?
can i be fed on what i am?
can i drink deliverance made from myself?
did the spirits lead me here only to die?
was the fire inside a lie?
who
who will fill my cup
if not i?
i will sing him my spirit
and have him live
even if it means i give my life for his.
i’m hoping the gates will open to us both
together
that much later the doors will open
that much sooner we will dance together
that his care means i can now satisfy the hunger
his nourishment has stroked to a famine within me
but i remain grateful for the hunger
and i hope to quench his thirst.
i…. recollect…

i seek water
from the bottom
of my soul

the pool of me is drawn
cups runneth slower
please.
of me there must be sufficient
of me i am sufficient
of me there will be a flowing river
that quenches my mortality
and buoys my spirit up
he will rise within me
rise
i
am beyond a need to fill myself
up with myself
i want to end his hunger
but all i have is water
i want to replenish
find my center
but the liquid drips down
relocating my middle
shifting always shifting
missing me and mixing me with
shot snifters half full of a cold forever.
i want to be eternal
and envelop us both with love.
mine for me
ours for him
this for us.
will it be
and if so
will it be enough?
i … am reminded…

i
seek
water
from the
bottom
of
my
soul
i seek water
from the bottom of my soul
i seek water from the bottom of my soul
iseekwaterfromthebottom
ofmysoul
water
from the bottom
of my soul
come to me
water
from the bottom
of my soul
water my soul
water his soul
water is my soul
soul cold water on my soul
make us whole.
make us
a
whole.
make me whole.

Tinu in Soul and Memory painting - Click for larger image.

i wonder
if he lay across the floor…
was i imagined in his fingertips
did he
lay me across the floor
in his mind
scribing with color?

was i his imagination?
did i haunt ….or pester?
did i lurk …….or fester?
did he have to get me out or
did he need to make me live?
this
apparition of his….

it was what he intended
of me in his mental realm
where thoughts live and breathe like
light dancing with shadow
candlelit…

was i a whisper or a shout?
did i call him or
did he come to me willingly?
was he aware or was this
unconsciously?
was i a voice of song held inside him
or a whine trying to escape?

the she he made me….
she… contemplates
sharing many parts of my face
not made up of my mirror
but close enough to be mistaken.

some facts are exact.
my eyes
my skin
same expression

some clues are close
similar lips.
i have a shirt like that.
my hair was about that length
at about that time

i wonder
was it a picture of me
or a memory of my rhyme
that made him swirl colors
and bless them into art
when we were apart….
what
drew him in to draw a whisper of me?
will she be who i come to be?

i wonder…..
as i thank him
repeatedly
and
silently….

(Click on any image for a larger image and description.)

When you have severe weight fluctuations due to an on-going illness, it’s hard to see yourself for the way you truly look. One day you look in the mirror and the person you see is the reflection you remember. Then a few weeks of immobility later, you look again and the sight brings you to tears.

I made a post earlier about not being the real me. And a friend gave me perspective tonight on that.

A sexy friend.

No, not Flame. (Told you I have back up plans. Ha!)

I put up a profile picture of how I look when I’m not sick. And this friend we’re talking about, let’s call him VolksWagen, reacted.

Like seriously on some I could leave my woman behind that.

This is a very respected friend online who is a fine black man of the dateable persuasion, who in all the years we’ve know each other has never, EVER hit on me nor has he approached me in any way based on my looks.

Most of the guys I’ve worked with have made a pass at me at some time or another, on more than one occasion, so you understand the context – I’m not saying I’m Ms America, just that I’m used to guys, especially in my business, making constant passes at me.

And so intelligent, I mean this is a man of… mmm mmm mmm.

You know how intelligence turns me on even more than good looks. For me, half the compliment is about who it comes from, you know?

Tonight, this guy? Had never known him outside a professional context until today. And he gave me all kinds of love for this picture.

Click for larger image

Now here’s the curious thing. He said it wasn’t just that I was more physically attractive in that picture. Rather, it was also because of my energy. And I realized, I haven’t consistently had that level of happy, the-world-is-mine pep in my veins since 1993, when I first got sick.

I also realized, I am currently the closest I have been since becoming sick, to looking like the woman in that picture, that ME. I will be *smaller* than that goal weight, at this pace, come February.

So I’ve decided that to take it the rest of the way, with the big check I’m planning on getting in January, after tying up loose ends with my business and pre-ordering a years worth of ads, I’m gonna have a full makeover.

February 2nd is what I’m shooting for, that’s a Monday. I’m planning to have it right after a spa weekend.

I’m getting:

In other words, I’m about to get fly.

Flyer than fly.

And on my way there, I’m adding a weight lifting cycle to my fitness program, so I can be a little firmer. Today, right now, (okay 2 weeks ago) begins my Outer Beauty matches Inner Beauty Program.

See you on the other side.

Tinu in Soul and Memory painting - Click for larger image.

That is the picture in question from the last post. I wrote three poems about this, because I was amazed that someone could create a likeness of me so accurately without having seen me before. Perhaps they can go up tomorrow – right now I have to sleep.

I even have a blouse like the one depicted. I wish I had the painting, if I ever catch up with this friend of mine again, I’m planning to take him up on his offer to send it to me.