for a second there

just a second

i was starting to think i made a mistake
starting to to think letting you in was not the smartest move

but now?
after yesterday?

i’m sure this was the right path
positive you were the right choice
i know i haven’t picked someone who was wrong for me
i know i haven’t deluded myself into another adventure with unavailability

and to think i wandered into this thinking
this was short term fun.
rather than a slow, easy journey to a new joy.

If only i could explain what you’ve done for me
just by being you
if only i could find a way to reciprocate for everything you do
at the moment, the only thing i think of
is to maintain an oral recognition
of the regal manner in which you’re fulfilling all my wishes
especially the ones I didn’t know I had.
you’re a genuine diamond
your sparkle blinds me

and from my heart to yours my lion
your shine will never go unappreciated.

butterflies, softened

It’s almost uncomfortable. almost.

The way you make me feel – unreal unfamiliar but not unclear. Even though I’ve never felt them before, I know exactly what they are. Butterflies.

I’ve heard people talk about this before, and thought them crazy or caught in the throes of some lustful intoxication that feels like lust but I’ve felt lust and this is no duplication. The funny thing is that it’s not constant, I only seem to get this electric fluttering when we’re on that same wavelength.

Like … connected. I hate that this feels fated. Men are normally the ones who feel that about me. And I enjoy that high and indulge. It’s easy for me to tune into other people, to feel their feelings in my body, to intuitively be able to draw the stress from their bodies, insinuate peace into their minds, to get them to feel me, to feel me the way they can see some version of the real me. I guess that’s the reason I’m always the one to leave.

But man… these butterflies. My belly dancing with your memory in it. Fluttering and diving, just thinking of you. Like an insane person. Like one of those crazy, about to fall off the cliff into love people. Man, am I in trouble…

I’m so afraid to feel this way, to be swept into being into you or letting you be into me and I can’t figure out why. I guess I am too impatient and both tired of waiting and in love with the agony of being only 80% sure that this fever is mutual. All I’ve got is what you say and do to me, which technically is enough but I hate assumptions. But there’s so much enjoyment in being courted and taking it slow.

So I can’t give in to the temptation yet. Not with the lingering promise ahead. Not when this living buzzing feeling inside feels so good.

Not when I know what I know in the light with you. Not when you tell me you can’t make love to me in the dark because you have to see me. Not when you climax from our kisses. Not when you say such brilliant things for no reason. Not when you remind me of my beauty. Not when you make such beauty out of sound.

Part of it IS lust. I admit that. I can’t lay on my stomach on my bed anymore – it always ends the same way with my thighs pressed together longing to feel you behind me..pushing… grinding… mmm….

Wait, what was I saying… oh yes… part of it IS lust but it’s only a part, this isn’t an accident, or just the juxtaposition of our bodies bringing each other earthly satisfaction. I guess it’s like you said, there’s no way we can keep away from each other and restrict this to “just friends”. Or that other time you talked about how we are so pulled to each other. Or how, given the chance, we go to crazy lengths to see each other for tiny snatches of time.

I learned this during our recent starvation from each other. I still couldn’t escape your eyes in my head, and this went way beyond wanting you back in my bed. I wanted you opinion, to hear you smile, to make you smile. And if I take this fate back to bedroom states, yes, I don’t just want to be pleasured by you, I want to find every way to please you that I can.

So infinite, definite, intangible, and yet real enough to touch. Lust and something turning into love, so scary when I normally have such control over my emotions. I can get to the edge and back up. With everyone else but you.

I hope. These butterflies will loan me wings…

I feel like….
Beauty, if she were a Goddess.
Song, if she were an apparition
Like some lyric laced over the hottest dance track
And I have to tell you it’s taking me back to indecision
My former resolve to not fall for you is slowly slippin
Man I’m trippin

And as I remember you breathing insanity back into me
Full on resuscitation of my soul
Mouth to–

well.

Lips.

See? You’re making my brakes slip
I really am trying to have fun
And let these moments live
And let whatever naturally unfolds between us
In its own sweet time unwind..

But you’re making me weak
My former resolve needs re-tweaking
Or maybe I just have to stop speaking to you and run away

Because the funny thing is?
It’s nothing you do to my body.
— Don’t get me twisted, if your fingers were the military I’d be enlisted.

What I mean is…

You remind me of how beautiful I am
Of all the things I have done and can do still
In a way that I don’t forget after you’re gone
Or even if you never came back

And

The way you touch me when we’re supposed to be asleep
The kisses you affix betwixt the bliss of moments play, making my heart beat miss steadiness
The readiness you maintain to rescue my mood from even a moment’s pain

You listen and remember
So un-hesitantly tender
So…

I could go on forever
About the way you make me feel
Even as I’m looking at that word, afraid, unsure if you’re for real

Despite what you say

To be honest with myself
I still find my soul in chains
Yes I’m slowly letting go but
Until you tell me you’re mine
I’m going to enjoy you and this high
Biding my time

And if it’s never to be
If it remains a fantasy
I’ll never
ever
forget how

you made me into poetry

all my heart can hear is your melody*

melodically hypnotically
you nearly have me betraying my vow to slow down
everything i’m feeling is spilling right out of my soul
onto this stage where i sit
wide open and exposed to you.

i’m already drowning in deliciously deep cocoa kisses
killing me with quick connection corrected
wanting to stay cool and collected but

your caresses tickle trickles of teardrops torn from turned tastes of bliss

i slip stealthily out of the state of steady
hands off the wheel
heart’s cautious ice wall melted by the logic of lyrical language
translated tunes taking me to the breaking me

and i’m

set free to experience this glee
floated from fantasized figures flashing feelings and
fear’s fatality

so i’m giving in
letting the electric attraction
cement a barrier to any lament that could be constructed
by the confusion you’ve banished.

and as i sit under the subtle shadows
cradled by candlelight
and your midnight eyes
i am born anew.

*Quoted verse in italics is from Stevie Wonder’s Another Star