and
i just can’t figure you out
i can’t figure you out
don’t know if i want to
i just can’t figure you out
can’t figure you out
loving all your voodoo

I’m trying to hold on and trying to let go. Loving the secrets of you. Loving not knowing exactly how I feel or how you feel and you’re getting to the end of my probation. If it was up my heart the answer would be yes but I confess that I’m afraid of you. Always trying to prepare myself for the possibility that you’re no longer feeling me.

Silly, I know. You’re always so honest that I could just ask. And the things you do, what you say, and the way you treat me should be enough to keep me from thinking I need to guess. All I know is I want to go slow and easy and yet be sure. Can’t bring myself to do it yet… I’m loving the sweetest agony at this mystery…

and i
just can’t figure you out
can’t figure you out
not sure that i want to

can’t figure you out
can’t figure you out
what am i gonna do with you…

You’re a puzzle to me that’s for sure. Mixing magic with the mantra of mellow melodies. Pressing piano purity on pleasurable penalties. I waver between being sure that you’re for me and thinking that maybe this was just a season of the reaffirmation of me. Whatever happens you’ll always be dear to me and this is new to me — I’ve never felt like it almost didn’t matter if it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, having been blessed with the reward of … you.

You’ve taught me what my prototypical man should look like. Reminded me how a lady ought to be treated. Showed me my own beauty. And whatever happens I’ll never forget that about you.

So I just want to thank you.

i can’t figure you out
but it took me my whole life so far to figure out me
i hope i get the chance to spend an equal amount of time
in discovery of you but if it’s not meant to be
a forever type of thing
i hope you know that you brought the song back to my heart
and I’m always going to be so so grateful… to even know you…

Okay, you know how I started off my last Lava post with how I’m in trouble? And said that he scored a 98% on my love list?

You don’t know the half.

I feel like I’m in a fairy tale –that I wrote. I feel like I mixed some kind of potion that would make a man into the kind of person I wanted, and forgot about it, and that he found it and drank it. But that he didn’t need to anyway because he was born that way.

I’m not all head over heels in love yet. But I am definitely in trouble. If things kept going like this for another few weeks, I don’t know. I haven’t felt like this before, going in, where it’s going so well that I’m trying to anticipate when the other shoe is going to drop.

You know me though, I believe in the law of attraction, EFT, NLP, etc and I’m not going to manifest disaster into my life. I’m going to keep acting and behaving as if I’m going to get… well… what I’ve been getting!

And I’ve been getting it good. Oh you stop being dirty – I mean the fairy tale… I mean that I have this comfortable excitement with him. I feel like I … fit him and that he fits me. We seem to intuitively get each other. On the one hand, talking to him or seeing him gives me this spark… on the other, I’m SO comfortable with him.

This is so different from anything else I’ve ever felt. And I feel like I’m the most unlikely person he could have picked, as right as it feels. Let me explain that.

Here’s a guy who has seen the world, who goes to New York two weekends a month, has been around all these glamourous, famous folks…. and who does he choose to spend time with? Me.

Let me be clear now – I’m a fantastic person, lol. I’m just saying that given the selection he has, it’s extremely flattering that I’m the preferred choice. I asked him about it yesterday, what it was about me. Apparently I gave him his taste for African women. I can’t even believe he has been thinking of me over the years.

He is a beautiful, sexy, talented man.

Tall, six feet if he’s an inch.

Very deeply chocolate sexy skin. Dreadlocks just touching his shoulders, almost as long as mine were. Lovely eyes. Wonderful smile. Very polite and well mannered. Well spoken and educated.

Extremely creative in my two most favorite ways. Clear and honest in what he says and does. Has a deep love for his fellow man. Generous to a fault, like me, especially when it comes to being a steward of God’s wealth.

Goes to an A.M.E church! Seems like he shares the same thoughts about God that I do. Checks in with me as if we’re already a couple. I feel spoiled already, but he says he’s not spoiling me yet, this is just his personality.

Which makes me think, God, what if he tried to impress me? Because that’s what I’ve come to realize – instead of just meeting someone randomly and hoping he’ll become what you want, why not find someone who already has most of the attributes you want, and then find ways to compromise on the rest?

And so far, he’s all I remember him to be and so much more. What’s funny is that I didn’t find our first relationship particularly memorable. Not that it wasn’t great. It was. It just didn’t have enough time to start to be something. We weren’t together long enough to have been an official couple even, or to fall in love. We had a good time together, a comfortable yet exciting time together.

It’s crazy because everything I liked about him then is the same. And everything I didn’t get the chance to like is unbelievably better than I could hope. This is making me feel like I’m a dream. Money is coming together. It looks like I’m on the cusp of a romance. Mentally, physically, emotionally I’m feeling confident. If the trend of the last three months is any indication by summer time I’ll be in better shape than I was in college.

I always believed my mid-30s was when, after all the suffering, my life would begin to work out, and I’d be blessed tens times more than I was cursed.

And it’s looking that way. I’ll have more about Lava’s sweet hotness another day. Right now?

I’m gonna go bask.

So let me tell you how this thing went down, and, later, who this guy is to my heart and things.

In college, I knew this guy. I won’t go into too many details because I don’t want those of you who knew me in college to give the man the third degree, because really this is just starting back up. It hasn’t even been a week since we’ve become reacquainted.

Of course, from the first day we saw each other again after about 17 years, we’ve been together four out of the six days since then under extremely inconvenient circumstances.

But.

I’m really looking at this with both feet on the ground, hard as it is. If you ask my heart, that’s another story. Still, he makes me feel as if I don’t have to rush, as if I have a secure enough place to take my time.

Okay, so let’s get in the way back machine.

When I met this guy, I was in the second semester of my freshman year. I’d just started to find my people on campus. I started to frequent the school nightclub and it’s been so long I’m not sure if that’s where we met, or if we just ended up there. Anyway, we had the same circle of friends and hung out together, and somehow, I can’t quite remember how, we ended up pairing off.

I remember really digging him, great conversations, warm hugs, romantic and sensual sparks/events. It wasn’t quite long enough for us to be in a relationship though.

Just when we were getting to know each other better, something happened to him – a project he was on brought him fame and fortune. There came a choice between that, and finishing school. And the smart thing to do was to chase that dream and finish your degree later.

We lost touch over the years. I thought about him on occasion and would get word that he was doing well. What I didn’t know is that he was really getting successful at what he was doing, traveling the world, meeting people I see on TV, hear on the radio, and read about in tabloids.

Now, I’ve never been one to be star-struck or to think that knowing/being with famous people makes you better than other people. I’ve known and met famous people and I only ever got geeked over literary icons. Because 1- I’m a nerd, and 2- some people regard me as famous in my tiny part of the internet, so I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of it.

However, in the field he is in, the people he worked with represented dream opportunities, they’re all names you would recognize, and I’m proud of the work he’s done, so I’m mentioning it here. It’s also relevant to the story.

To continue, this is how we got back in touch.

You ready?

FREAKING FACEBOOK!

I know, right? Crazy.

He was in touch with a friend of mine who I was recently back in touch with and she told him I was on Facebook. He contacted me in January. I bantered back and forth with him a bit, then he said he wanted to talk to me. I, asshole that I am, didn’t call him back for five days. I really wanted to let Valentine’s Day pass before I spoke to any male on the planet. Ha.

But I spoke to him shortly before Valentine’s day. And every day since then. During one of our discussions, we discovered that I had something rare he wanted to borrow. I’m barely 45 minutes from him without traffic, so we’d made arrangements to meet last week on Thursday.

We ended up seeing each other on Wednesday instead, then on Thursday as planned. Then almost every day since then, we’ve been together. He’s going through some drama, some unbelievable messed up crap that would make my hair fall out, but he’s driving nearly hour out of his way almost every day to come and see me.

So that covers the back story. I’ll talk about all the other stuff next.