for a second there

just a second

i was starting to think i made a mistake
starting to to think letting you in was not the smartest move

but now?
after yesterday?

i’m sure this was the right path
positive you were the right choice
i know i haven’t picked someone who was wrong for me
i know i haven’t deluded myself into another adventure with unavailability

and to think i wandered into this thinking
this was short term fun.
rather than a slow, easy journey to a new joy.

If only i could explain what you’ve done for me
just by being you
if only i could find a way to reciprocate for everything you do
at the moment, the only thing i think of
is to maintain an oral recognition
of the regal manner in which you’re fulfilling all my wishes
especially the ones I didn’t know I had.
you’re a genuine diamond
your sparkle blinds me

and from my heart to yours my lion
your shine will never go unappreciated.

and
i just can’t figure you out
i can’t figure you out
don’t know if i want to
i just can’t figure you out
can’t figure you out
loving all your voodoo

I’m trying to hold on and trying to let go. Loving the secrets of you. Loving not knowing exactly how I feel or how you feel and you’re getting to the end of my probation. If it was up my heart the answer would be yes but I confess that I’m afraid of you. Always trying to prepare myself for the possibility that you’re no longer feeling me.

Silly, I know. You’re always so honest that I could just ask. And the things you do, what you say, and the way you treat me should be enough to keep me from thinking I need to guess. All I know is I want to go slow and easy and yet be sure. Can’t bring myself to do it yet… I’m loving the sweetest agony at this mystery…

and i
just can’t figure you out
can’t figure you out
not sure that i want to

can’t figure you out
can’t figure you out
what am i gonna do with you…

You’re a puzzle to me that’s for sure. Mixing magic with the mantra of mellow melodies. Pressing piano purity on pleasurable penalties. I waver between being sure that you’re for me and thinking that maybe this was just a season of the reaffirmation of me. Whatever happens you’ll always be dear to me and this is new to me — I’ve never felt like it almost didn’t matter if it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, having been blessed with the reward of … you.

You’ve taught me what my prototypical man should look like. Reminded me how a lady ought to be treated. Showed me my own beauty. And whatever happens I’ll never forget that about you.

So I just want to thank you.

i can’t figure you out
but it took me my whole life so far to figure out me
i hope i get the chance to spend an equal amount of time
in discovery of you but if it’s not meant to be
a forever type of thing
i hope you know that you brought the song back to my heart
and I’m always going to be so so grateful… to even know you…

yet

climaxing into your observant gaze
seems a fair trade
to feel the flame of your tongue
licking my body clean of desire for anyone else but you.

how did i get here?
how did you happen to me?
i’m supposed to feel like i’m not free
but being with you for some reason

is not smothering
you hold me tight but your grip doesn’t break or crush my air

and i love that you’re with me
but i do remember that at some point
i did swear
promised myself i was only near you to feel the warmth of your flame
not to be consumed by it
took my oath on not falling like this
on not liking anyone enough to miss
on not being kissed…
on not looking into your soul
on not losing control

with the frustration of a passion unleashed
for almost a week
i have to admit…
i actually like the effect you have on me…

maybe…
even love…

I feel like….
Beauty, if she were a Goddess.
Song, if she were an apparition
Like some lyric laced over the hottest dance track
And I have to tell you it’s taking me back to indecision
My former resolve to not fall for you is slowly slippin
Man I’m trippin

And as I remember you breathing insanity back into me
Full on resuscitation of my soul
Mouth to–

well.

Lips.

See? You’re making my brakes slip
I really am trying to have fun
And let these moments live
And let whatever naturally unfolds between us
In its own sweet time unwind..

But you’re making me weak
My former resolve needs re-tweaking
Or maybe I just have to stop speaking to you and run away

Because the funny thing is?
It’s nothing you do to my body.
— Don’t get me twisted, if your fingers were the military I’d be enlisted.

What I mean is…

You remind me of how beautiful I am
Of all the things I have done and can do still
In a way that I don’t forget after you’re gone
Or even if you never came back

And

The way you touch me when we’re supposed to be asleep
The kisses you affix betwixt the bliss of moments play, making my heart beat miss steadiness
The readiness you maintain to rescue my mood from even a moment’s pain

You listen and remember
So un-hesitantly tender
So…

I could go on forever
About the way you make me feel
Even as I’m looking at that word, afraid, unsure if you’re for real

Despite what you say

To be honest with myself
I still find my soul in chains
Yes I’m slowly letting go but
Until you tell me you’re mine
I’m going to enjoy you and this high
Biding my time

And if it’s never to be
If it remains a fantasy
I’ll never
ever
forget how

you made me into poetry

you make me blush
at a smile from you
and after your touch

i know what junkies go through
wanting to be high
wanting to be high

and i
know it is not natural for my skin to ache
when your chest
does not flatten my breasts

but im not concerned with
whether or not my mind is bent

i just want another hit
i just want another hit
i want to be

blunted

on your love
to breathe your kisses on my skin in
and love that pain which results
when

your hairs aren’t mingling with mine.
your eyes lock us in between time.
you get me lost in your rhythm and rhyme

and i

flush
blush
rush to your
touch.

and i
lust
til i
bust

oh, damn
i wanna
fuck.

but no go
cuz you’re 2 hours away.

and so i will call
and ain’t got shit to say.

just i want to get high
on knowing you’re there
and your voice makes me have to wring out
my underwear.

though you’ve said nothing sexual
just wanted to ask
how my day was and how i plan to get past
these days
these nights

without you near

so i
cry
sigh
bloodshot are
my eyes

but i
stay strong
as i long
but
mmm-damn
i want to die.

but i’ll keep it togehter
until that day whenever
i see you again
my lover
my friend
and as i wait for your presence
to beam me up

i will think of your love
and
i
will
Blush.

* the audio version never follows the written exactly. Also, I recorded it in phone quality on purpose- it’s supposed to sound like a voicemail message.

you are my Beloved
my dearly beloved
the only essence enough
to fill the immeasureable expanse of my heart
which only opens to occurrences of your opulent adoration.

and i am beyond love
so i make up words and say I
Belove
you.

and what is it to Belove?

when i scribe memories of moments on the back of time,
when i invert rhyme to realize the poetic bliss of you and our union
when i exist on top of a minute of blue surreality, under the infinity of your eyes.

this is Belove.

when i burn in my yearning for the turning of churning a discerning tactile treaure between my lips locked on top of the soaring mist of sunrise’s kiss within you,
when i sit upon my fleshed throne with a supple smooth as silver sword sheathed in sublime suck-tion of scintillating sensual support,
when i taste temptation of a tongue which once turned trumpets into tunes and now turns tunes into torrents of tanka-like treats that tumble into trains of ‘Trane,
when i drink down the dearest of my delicious dreams which dance delighted out of my favorite pinnacles door,
when i stir cycles of commitment in circles completing cylindrical seas seeking the circumference of coming to your call to cum for you,
when i triangulate your want and become congurent to your desire, perpendicular to the spot you want blessed, laying diagonally from the best thing that ever happened to me,
when i surround your pain and subject it to sonnets of songs wrapped in love and dipped in tomorrow, simmering a healing touch, writing words directly to the heart that is parallel to my own, hoping i can soothe within as i stand on the perimeter of your spirit, the radius of us,

that is Belove.

and since this is that and all that is also this, i guess that’s that, at least that’s what Deepak said.
but let me break it down some more.

we are
Beyond Love
we are
Souls Mating
In Unconventional Ways
Our Love Affair
is one where
we cannot measure our mutual pleasure
in seconds, eons or days.

so until they come up with a better way
to say forever
i will find or make up words to convey
This One Thought
that sets my spirit to melody….
I Will Love You Always.

just the breeze from our twin passion could light candles
to burn a flame only this desire could handle…

I dream of you.
when my eyes are open
and I wait
to see if you are my dream come alive.

you are

the answer to questions unasked
a single sweet icicle of promise in an unending desert of summer.
thought you a mirage
because of how quickly circumstances changed
from near
to a little far
to moving to the West someday soon.
i was wrong.

you are more than real.

not a deceptive bone in your body
not a single atom that fakes integrity in your form
not a runner in the direction of away
just a leisurely captain of a ship that sails in languid tiptoes closer
enjoying the journey.
i like that.

you are
the one i hold in my mind’s slumber
and awaken happily
…sometimes with moments of you
pressed to my chest
cleched in sheets wound round my legs…
but mostly dressed in disjointed fragments of mirrored smiles
… i never remember my dreams that come true

you are
brilliance dancing off the page and into my blood

you are
illumination sliding slowly from the farthest point in the universe
that has been on its way to me since the beginning of time
surviving light year travel to whirl around this humble earth
whirling your luminescent intellect across each life you touch

you are
song sung without words
jazz even without sound
my thoughts scat you all day long

you are
a quilt of saved pictures
recorded voice
mysterious letters formed to conquer me
watercolored or oiled familiarity

you are
what i see in the mirror
when i look into the hunger of my own eyes

you are.
and that is all i need.

you are
the one whose
soft caresses of my higher self
fresh as new baby’s breath

you are
the one shining
purple moonlight
so surreal in its incredulous
impossibility
and yet?
you exist…
in a line as fine
as that between love and trust

you are
the one i want to hold at night
pulling your sweet scent around me
as soothing as a lullaby
taking me to yet another world we share
our paired air soaring us to the potential bliss
of evening oblivion or adventure.

you are
the one whose thoughts awaken me each day
as i sit upright in bed knowing you are near
hearing when some part of you calls to me

you are
the one who brews inside me
as my storm
raining upon my heart in soft consistent trickles of comfort
murmuring your thunder to me when i stray from the path to happiness
lighting the way with your flashes of love
streaked across the sky of my thoughts.

you are.
and that’s all i want.

….knowing he was dead….

i.

i write life on thin skin looking within for words that will make me less sensitive to the burn of existence.

i look for love inside and outside and up and down and sometimes i find it in the first place i looked and sometimes i find that what i was looking for is an illusion i cannot touch and in my confusion i trip over lust and fall into love.

sprained my ankle once and couldn’t get away from the eyes i erected in my mind and the free flow that i found in his words. his words reached out to my inner secrets brushed up against the innocence i was hiding even from myself.

his words chased me inside myself and i found out i was running from love into misery before he came.
his words would not let me escape from reality.

ii.

it’s all in the details baby girl, he said.

lay down. yeah. right there. no, no just lay there. i want to see you. i like to see your body waiting for me. put your arms down love. yeah. like that. just wait for me. i’m right here, no need to reach for me. i just

….want to see you.

looking at your toes, and this new polish pedicure fetish you developed to keep the attention of my mouth. let me…taste them… do you really like this better than… mmmmm. you got some big feet girl. sexy lil anklet…

to go with those strong calves, is it from driving a stick?

and them big thighs… thank god for Queens. not supersized or skinnified and i love your curves and the way your stomach sticks out despite all that sitting up you do.

keep jogging if you want to but don’t lose those hips or those ripe, ripe melons swinging like forbidden fruit before me… is that why you like my big hands, because i can hold a D-cup?

don’t cover your eyes…

Sweetie, why you getting all shy?

iii.

details. in the details. the way he looks at me with those eyes, 161 eyelashes on the end of the left eyelid. i counted once, have looked in his eyes that long every day we are together, long enough to count the eyelashes on the end of the left eyelid.

he breathes in such lovely spirals, i can see it when it’s cold and i just want to be in his air, hope always for that moment before the kiss where i will be wondering how long he’s going to let my hunger burn.

details. in the De-Tails. the details of the pores of the skin on his face.

that is the face i love, the face that bathes me in moonbeam streams of honesty. he loves so many places in me, inside me, all the things i think are flaws, he finds adorable….

details.
details of a long longing because i had gone almost 39 hours without his voice. i counted. yes, i counted.

details.
details of a sneaky memory telling my body what i want to forget until i see him again.

that i want him, that i desire his touch on my shoulder or my stomach or my knee or my eyes… just to have him caress me with his eyes…

details.
details of a lover’s flesh pressed against the best organ i have, skin, skin with nerve endings to tell me his love is real and on top of me and moving into me, and this memory bites me hard because he is not here and i only have my hands to comfort me, hands that are deft to speed me to the beginning of the end again and put me back at the end of the beginning, the end of the yearning that comes before the need to be touched, but not by myself, only a sorry sorry substitute even when it’s electronic his worst performance is the emancipation of my loneliness and some of my life’s best because it’s so stained with the love that is overcoming us both on his face and in my eyes.

details. like at the start of an orgasm, the loudest lover i have ever had. and it charges me so to hear him sing the imminence of his physical inner madness that will explode inside me vibrating me from inside the canal of my love and drips down into my thighs and rides my blood into the rest of my body.

details.

details.
details……

…and.

the picture of you in my mind is of the softness in your eyes and
a reflection of the love i have staring back at me.
there are moments i’m so sure you feel it
not that i feel i have to wait
for what you’re feeling
to address what
i am

…but.

i am holding back. naturally out of concern for you, but a lie is a lie is a lie
is omission and my level of contrition in the face of our redefinition
of integrity – well it’s killing me. my love for you is bursting.
i swim in it whenever my head is filled with your words
secretly coming undone during innocent exchange
moist and clandestine the blush flushes
imagining your touch. you see?
it makes me wander from
the point of all this.
which is
you…

…well.

i’m digressing because i’m procrastinating and, well, i’m procrastinating
because i’m scared. and i’m scared because i don’t know if this
from me would be a new complication or a blessing to you
then i realized yesterday just how much i loved you
once. enough to drive me to tears and i haven’t
cried like that in years not even over death.
not too profound to say but i’m – doing it
doing it again see? what you make me
can’t take the anxiety. not anymore
so i’m going to go ahead and
open up to you no more…
bs.

…so.

back then, when we were … so … entwined. press rewind and pause
and you’ll see that i didn’t just adore you. it went so much deeper
and if you click forward one frame you’ll see me loving you
and not loving you, to be clear, like one loves a dear one
or even how you love a dear one you fell into a
lust-ship with for a few months, more like
i was in love with you. so deeply
i wore it casually but it was
a formal affair to me
i loved
you.

…yes.

i was in full on, yes i will marry you like you asked me the first time, love.
and was is the wrong word. especially in the space where i write
because i am still in love with you and to tell the whole truth
i’m fairly sure i never stopped loving you
just gave up that we could be. i know
you can’t love me back. probably not
now at least, but if you could i’d
do
say
be

anything.

go anywhere
as soon as
we’re
free.

precisely because i know you’d never
let me change. not for you.
then, you loved as is.
and that is why.

i’m no longer ashamed of it, and.
it’s the same, my part of us
it’s the same this love,
we’re the same

it’s
still
the same.

and i?
am out of the keep it secret game…

in a dreamless night…
where only stardust clothed my after thoughts of you before i saw you smile at me from the dark side of the moon…
you remind me what water tastes like
..or snowflakes on June days in Georgia…
or young love in the twilight of an after life…you remind me of my future past…

i am shy inside, my thoughts darkened with the precious words that lay on your breath, sending me a gentle breeze of adoration.
you make me feel as light as the step of those freshly in love… i turn on satin sheets to the painful emptiness of my bed, clutching thoughts of you to my sweat soaked body.

I will become you. . .and you will become me. . living out all ancient allegories. . becoming the trees of knowledge and the potters wheal of an infinite galaxy. . inhaling life. . . exhaling rosaries that bend in the windpipe of my hindsight. . .

I’ve seen you somewhere before. . perhaps in a future life?

i will meet you soon, maybe yesterday, maybe i have already been with you tomorrow. i can feel your rebirth inside me from before we were born. the ribbon that is time ties us together, ever bound with an echo of our shadows within each other….

i miss you even though you are always here, in the molecules of the yearning between my thighs, on the song of my skin recalling your hair, when the sun sets, painting miracles of ocular intoxication within a mood that reminds me of the you i have yet to meet.
this excites me.

…almost to the point of intoxication or orgasmic hallucination. . I’m imagining the love I would make for you . . a gift to be hung around the sun in every galaxy from here to kingdommmm. . . gone . .in a billionth of a second. . in the moment it took to bat an eye. . . . . luv becomes moon dust. . ancient as the galaxy. .

i sit inside this infinite second of love that i want to selfishly share with you, if only to see your smile rival the stars and shatter time, placing us in the stillest waters of eternity where we could bathe in each others gaze.

when i find a gift of myself to give you it will have no beginning and no end, only the continum of the pleasure awakening my being from the knowledge that i make you happy, if only for a brief forever…

cause we make me happy . . .and your kiss is the life blossom in valley of the reality of death. . .

and us makes me blush… your touch is the birth of every dewdrop of joy that ever brushed against the springtime of our next lives

I stand in that place in space and time where possibilities echo. . where words and dreams that have never been seen are the only reality. . and you are within me. .
WE
ARE
DIVINITY……..

WE
ARE
DIVINITY……..

……..divinely……..

This was a poem written by myself and the friend of mine who painted the soul and memory likeness of me before we would ever have the chance to meet. He painted it without pictures, just a description and an idea of me in his head. We were close friends, once a bit romantically so, but never in a serious relationship.

In fact, at the time of this writing, we were both writing about other people. My contribution is the italicized portion.

I’ll post a snapshot of the painting next. Then off to bed with me, finally.

]]> http://tinustuff.com/blog/kepera-a-collaboration-213.php/feed 0 http://tinustuff.com/blog/from-a-love-letter-172.php http://tinustuff.com/blog/from-a-love-letter-172.php#comments Sat, 29 Nov 2008 08:20:29 +0000 Tinu http://tinustuff.com/blog/?p=172 you were pressed against me in moments captured on mind’s film,
your presence borne of a heart’s breaking into
new acquaintance with harmony.
the paradise of your eyes
sang poems without lustful melodies-
desire was of the whole me,
she sexual,
she intellectual,
the real me who is at times apprehensive
that wants to love you deeply…

not sometimes,
but on every day that the sunrise is blessed
with the honor of dripping its rays of light onto your polished bronze cast,
illuminating a rainbow tinted path to my
daily lyric of love, floating off my tongue to you, hymn of the him i see in your apparition.
yes… daily a love articulated to you in symphonies of love’s observations
and
declarations to you.

days
that yawned and stretched themselves into weeks and
years
of our union,
would pass through time’s sands,
with the rapidity of pleasure experienced in each and every breath taken,
seeming everlasting to us,
as we flowed back and forth rhyme,
scribe to scribe.

i fantasize of that era…
after our touching becomes natural
…and less shy….

and to think
i may have
never
revealed the sensations
which sat crystallized in that state,
as a rose
pressed
between the pages of a love story,
still holding the pattern of its fragrance,
waiting to be set free
in its re-birth
from a two dimensional remembrance
to a living entity,
wondering if you would water
it with your own care….

the recollection of how it almost was not
has me daring
dreaming
that you send me messages of a longing
a yearning for presence mostly
and somewhat of a loving touch
unable to speak your love
i’d be required to consume it
in its more potent form
sipping directly from your languid eyes
just one look would quench this craving in me…
no need for formalities
or affixing labels to our intersection…
all i want is to look on your face
know you are real
feast on your gaze
regard the mirror image of the sun setting therein
read the honesty in your aura
revel in the presence of a true king…
…my King…

and i close my love letter with thoughts of you
some pure…
some adulterated with erotic notions.
as i anticipate your receipt of my love words,
i glow with delight.
i am
exploding
like a new star
and
you are
a black hole
drawing all my energy into you,
spinning me into your vortex.
light sinks into the embrace of
perfect darkness.
we disappear together into the next dimension
knowing….
it will be
as beautiful…
as us together.

]]> http://tinustuff.com/blog/from-a-love-letter-172.php/feed 1 http://tinustuff.com/blog/your-mirror-153.php http://tinustuff.com/blog/your-mirror-153.php#comments Fri, 28 Nov 2008 04:54:25 +0000 Tinu http://tinustuff.com/blog/?p=153 it’s so sad
that you don’t know how beautiful you are.
i hope that if nothing else comes out of this
that at least you’ll one day see yourself

through my eyes

realizing.

]]> http://tinustuff.com/blog/your-mirror-153.php/feed 0 http://tinustuff.com/blog/spiral-129.php http://tinustuff.com/blog/spiral-129.php#comments Wed, 26 Nov 2008 16:14:01 +0000 Tinu http://tinustuff.com/blog/?p=129

photo credit: Ryan-o

tasting the insides of arms || playing fingers in the garden
spines are tickled by tongues unleashed in passion’s simmer
stars shatter in the sky from the force of new creation
it is pulling us down
it is pulling us down
spiral

necks hugs || lips caress || fingers kiss ||what can it be
tell me what this magic is || that has us bent like paperclips
are you trying to fuck me || or fuck me up
do you want to make love to me || or make me love you
please || choose | what you are doing
is more | than sex
do not be so tender | do not so savor me
only engage
my body
he is pulling me in
he is pulling me in
spiral

worked so hard || dont know where night went
now breath aches so || as it is spent
4 a.m. and they’re still at it
needing that sugar sweet tooth
like smack addicts
what will happen now
is for time to unfold
they are pulling
they are pulling
she is crying
he smiles
spiral

]]> http://tinustuff.com/blog/spiral-129.php/feed 0