1- I can only sleep an odd number of hour under 6, or I wake up cranky and unable to think logically most of the day. 1 hour is better than four for me.
2- I am resistant to being told what to do, but ask me nicely and you’ll often get your way. Only works in person though.
3- I absolutely adore Strawberries, but often detest strawberry things with the exception of yogurt. I could start each day with ripe strawberries blended with ice and a little cool whip on top.
4- When I was a kid, I used to get angry at commercials that would show products we already had in the house. I would often go get them to show the people inside the TV that we already had them.
5- Well into my 20s I thought there were hidden cameras in every room.

WELL into my 20s. And I’m still pretty paranoid.
6- I love talking to people but I hate having a cell phone. It has become a work accessory to me and whenever it’s nearby, I feel like I’m still at work.
7- I work best when it’s dark outside, but if I could I’d wake up just before sunrise every morning – sometimes I stay up after being up late just to be awake at that hour.
8- My life’s ambition is to be a great mother and philanthropist. As fulfilling as my work is, as happy as it makes me at times, I plan on becoming a millionaire. I’ve already sold 40% interest in my business. The day I can make a comfortable living from writing, I fully intend to quit working and live off some type of residual income.
9- I’m still amazed when I meet selfish people. Self-involved is one thing, even a bit of arrogance I understand, but I don’t see how any intelligent person can care only about themselves, given the inter-related nature of the world. One would think people would be giving and caring if only for the selfish reason of feeling better or feeding into the system that would benefit them.
10- This is the first time in my adult life that I haven’t been fully supporting another adult with my salary. I never told anyone that before today – actually I just thought about it and it’s very telling about me in a way. I’ll let you figure out which way.
11- Almost everything I know is self-taught and tested. I never paid attention in class unless the subject or teacher entertained me.
12- I have a horrible memory, and so have to understand a thing in order to learn it.
13- It takes me several tries to catch on to something as simple as how to wrap a gift, but once I get something, I never unlearn it.
14- I love video games, especially fighting video games. I’ve beat everyone I have ever played in a fighting game at least once.
15- When I lived in Vegas, I only gambled about 3 times in the 5 years I was here. I am just barely this side of lucky at slots so they bore me easily, and I’d never gamble real money on anything other than the stock market. Maybe one day when I have something between pocket money and “real” money.
16- I have two novels, half written and can’t decide which one to finish first.
17 – I write poetry every three days, have written over 4000 poems, and there’s something in all of them about the number 3.
18- 8 is my absolute favorite number, followed by zero, then infinity. Which is not really a number but I love the symbol.
19- From the time we lived in West Africa, I’ve developed an affinity for lizards. I loved the little geckos I’d see in Texas.
20- I love any kind of chicken dish, most especially African stewed chicken, which is like the cuban dish, Chicken Fricassee.
21- My favorite dinner is fried plantains and eggs.
22- While I’ll probably never completely give up meat, I could go days without eating it.
23- I haven’t had a so-called “real job” since 2002, and I’ve never missed it in the least
24- Straws that bend make me ridiculously cheerful for some reason.
25- Every year or so I have really powerful premonitions that are always right, and until I was about 22, always about something horribly bad happening. They’re never about me directly, but I can tell when I’m about to have amazingly good fortune, as well as when to answer or not answer the phone.

Today, I wanted to record two things.

One is the feeling of absolute exhilaration I’ve been feeling on and off since Saturday. In my heart I can feel with vivid clarity that something special is about to take place, something beautiful and magical, and something that is going to change my life for the better, something that will enhance the lives of those around me.

Secondly, is that I had a checkpoint this past Friday. I may have explained what a checkpoint is, but if I haven’t, here you go: it’s a combination deja vu and extremely powerful feeling of positive premonition and destiny. Within a week or so or having them, some manifestation far beyond any abundance I could possibly have imagined comes along and blesses me as hard as it can.

I call them checkpoints because of the feeling I have when they happen. It’s as if God is saying, “You’re in the best possible place in the best possible path of any of the available ones for you to have chosen from.”

And I went through a little rough patch there for a week or so after bringing a great many positive things to me. So Thank God.

photo credit: Tigerlily 09

But I think I need to come here a bit more often and just… be able to share my experiences. So here’s a quick summary of what’s been going on.

Work

I’m entering a super-independence mode. Traffic and sales are picking back up. I’m seeing a lot more opportunities to loosen some associations I’ve been leaning on, not because the people I’ve been working with are bad (they’re not) but because I am finding that I don’t need them the way I’ve been letting myself believe.

In so many ways, despite the ups and downs of my health, I’ve been doing better on my own. Just afraid to make that leap. No longer!

Life

I’m single and enjoying it. I’d like to be with someone but there’s just no time at the moment. I’m in the mode of “making the time to make time”. In other words, I want to be able to have my business on track and able to auto-pilot at a profit, not just at a maintenance level before I proceed.

Health

I’ve had some serious ups and downs lately. As much as I can, I’m avoiding being too specific with anyone. At first it was because I didn’t want anyone to worry, nor did I want to speak the worst-case scenario into being.

But now it’s because I’m enjoying a darn near miraculous recovery, and to keep it that way, I use the time I would spend telling people about being sick, to make myself well. So if you ask me one-on-one and I’m vague, that’s why.

In other news, it may be time for me to start recording exactly what I’ve been up to in my manifestation routine, because it’s working like crazy. I haven’t decided if that would be a spin-off blog. Honestly I don’t think I write in THIS one enough for there too BE a spin-off.

At the moment, I have a pact with a friend to study the same material each day of the week, and to meditate for success. We don’t both always do it but when we do our daily income goes up about 500%! Consistently, and that’s in profits we generate together.

Apart, as long as I keep to my routine, I see streams of revenue from places I hadn’t even known about. Right now, I’m doing EFT, meditations for wealth, and reading my goals and affirmations upon awakening every day, and developing the habit of doing it in reverse order when I’m going to sleep. On the days when I’m not too much of a punk, I’m also doing daily energy circles.

They really work, I’m not sure why I am psychologically reversed about doing them. I want to, because it works, but I find some excuse not to, or forget. I’ll go do one now. See you again soon.

for a second there

just a second

i was starting to think i made a mistake
starting to to think letting you in was not the smartest move

but now?
after yesterday?

i’m sure this was the right path
positive you were the right choice
i know i haven’t picked someone who was wrong for me
i know i haven’t deluded myself into another adventure with unavailability

and to think i wandered into this thinking
this was short term fun.
rather than a slow, easy journey to a new joy.

If only i could explain what you’ve done for me
just by being you
if only i could find a way to reciprocate for everything you do
at the moment, the only thing i think of
is to maintain an oral recognition
of the regal manner in which you’re fulfilling all my wishes
especially the ones I didn’t know I had.
you’re a genuine diamond
your sparkle blinds me

and from my heart to yours my lion
your shine will never go unappreciated.

butterflies, softened

It’s almost uncomfortable. almost.

The way you make me feel – unreal unfamiliar but not unclear. Even though I’ve never felt them before, I know exactly what they are. Butterflies.

I’ve heard people talk about this before, and thought them crazy or caught in the throes of some lustful intoxication that feels like lust but I’ve felt lust and this is no duplication. The funny thing is that it’s not constant, I only seem to get this electric fluttering when we’re on that same wavelength.

Like … connected. I hate that this feels fated. Men are normally the ones who feel that about me. And I enjoy that high and indulge. It’s easy for me to tune into other people, to feel their feelings in my body, to intuitively be able to draw the stress from their bodies, insinuate peace into their minds, to get them to feel me, to feel me the way they can see some version of the real me. I guess that’s the reason I’m always the one to leave.

But man… these butterflies. My belly dancing with your memory in it. Fluttering and diving, just thinking of you. Like an insane person. Like one of those crazy, about to fall off the cliff into love people. Man, am I in trouble…

I’m so afraid to feel this way, to be swept into being into you or letting you be into me and I can’t figure out why. I guess I am too impatient and both tired of waiting and in love with the agony of being only 80% sure that this fever is mutual. All I’ve got is what you say and do to me, which technically is enough but I hate assumptions. But there’s so much enjoyment in being courted and taking it slow.

So I can’t give in to the temptation yet. Not with the lingering promise ahead. Not when this living buzzing feeling inside feels so good.

Not when I know what I know in the light with you. Not when you tell me you can’t make love to me in the dark because you have to see me. Not when you climax from our kisses. Not when you say such brilliant things for no reason. Not when you remind me of my beauty. Not when you make such beauty out of sound.

Part of it IS lust. I admit that. I can’t lay on my stomach on my bed anymore – it always ends the same way with my thighs pressed together longing to feel you behind me..pushing… grinding… mmm….

Wait, what was I saying… oh yes… part of it IS lust but it’s only a part, this isn’t an accident, or just the juxtaposition of our bodies bringing each other earthly satisfaction. I guess it’s like you said, there’s no way we can keep away from each other and restrict this to “just friends”. Or that other time you talked about how we are so pulled to each other. Or how, given the chance, we go to crazy lengths to see each other for tiny snatches of time.

I learned this during our recent starvation from each other. I still couldn’t escape your eyes in my head, and this went way beyond wanting you back in my bed. I wanted you opinion, to hear you smile, to make you smile. And if I take this fate back to bedroom states, yes, I don’t just want to be pleasured by you, I want to find every way to please you that I can.

So infinite, definite, intangible, and yet real enough to touch. Lust and something turning into love, so scary when I normally have such control over my emotions. I can get to the edge and back up. With everyone else but you.

I hope. These butterflies will loan me wings…

I’m sure I’ve mentioned *cough!*whined!*cough* about the issues I’d been having with my self image, and I tell you, several things have changed that lately.

First of all, I went on the Atkins diet for a minute and rapidly and permanently lost a significant amount of weight starting in November. I started working out a little bit more and my back started feeling better… it’s hard to get the right balance of activity when I’m recovering, so that I’m not doing so much that I strain myself, but not doing so little that I’m stiff.

But for some reason, on and off since November, I’ve been hitting that spot. I’ve had my bumps and bruises and I’m not 100% yet. But I’m really started to feel good, to look good, and most importantly, to FEEL like I look good.

I’ve been off Atkins for nearly three weeks and I’m STILL losing weight like I’m at the end of the first stage of the plan. Probably due to the amount of activity I’m engaged in each day.

The second thing that happened is that I have started going out a bit more. Now that I am not in the kind of shape where as soon as I get somewhere I need someone to help me to the car and go back home, I don’t feel like a burden to whoever’s taking me somewhere.

I can even travel within a week from any given day, being able to pretty fairly predict from the way my body feels today, how I’ll be in a week. Big news since it used to vary so wildly from day to day for about two and a half years that I couldn’t plan trips, and had to order wheelchair service just in case, whenever I fly.

I’ve walked about half a mile on my own and not had problems. I have to go slowly, and rest half way, but I’m really doing a lot better than I hoped, a lot sooner than I hoped.

Anyway, on these outings, what do you know, I see people who know me, who saw me at my youngest sister’s wedding who are like, Oh My Goodness, Tinu, you’re disappearing.

And I know you ladies feel me — it’s one thing to realize that none of your fat clothes, then your regular sized clothes don’t fit because they’re all too big for you.

It’s quite another when someone else notices it so much that they do a double take and beg you for your secret.

Thing number three I’ll talk more about in another post. But I finally broke down and got a Brazilian training corset thingee to help my back, figuring the support would help, and as a plus, I can get my waist cinched.

It’s been working so well that I’ve already gone down one more size – I just got the thing last week. I lost so many inches that jeans I couldn’t pull up over my hips last week now fit me comfortably even without the corset on.

It ain’t no joke. I’ll do a found gems post about it.

Thing number four you partly know about already: male attention. Specifically from one male, but from the men in general.

Now the significance of the specific male is that he knew me at what I used to consider the peak of my beauty. Knew me in college, in various states of undress, know what I’m saying?

So he and I reconnecting and him thinking of me as just as beautiful as I was then, if not more-so, is of note above and beyond whatever this thing is that’s happening between us now. The reason being that mentally, I used to compare myself to that me in my head, thinking I’m not as pretty as I once was.

Now, I’m not only back to realizing that I’m just a different type of beauty again, I’m having moments where I feel like my present image beats the one I had before. A lot of this is due to the way the aforementioned gentleman relates to me now. To the point that if that’s the only reason he’s back in my life, it’s plenty enough for me.

I feel like I’m myself again. I definitely still have some work to do before I feel superlative, but I no longer want to hide when someone knocks on the door. Sometimes I even want to rush to see who it is so I can show off today’s look.

HUGE change for me.

Thoughts on the pictures are welcomed.

Okay, you know how I started off my last Lava post with how I’m in trouble? And said that he scored a 98% on my love list?

You don’t know the half.

I feel like I’m in a fairy tale –that I wrote. I feel like I mixed some kind of potion that would make a man into the kind of person I wanted, and forgot about it, and that he found it and drank it. But that he didn’t need to anyway because he was born that way.

I’m not all head over heels in love yet. But I am definitely in trouble. If things kept going like this for another few weeks, I don’t know. I haven’t felt like this before, going in, where it’s going so well that I’m trying to anticipate when the other shoe is going to drop.

You know me though, I believe in the law of attraction, EFT, NLP, etc and I’m not going to manifest disaster into my life. I’m going to keep acting and behaving as if I’m going to get… well… what I’ve been getting!

And I’ve been getting it good. Oh you stop being dirty – I mean the fairy tale… I mean that I have this comfortable excitement with him. I feel like I … fit him and that he fits me. We seem to intuitively get each other. On the one hand, talking to him or seeing him gives me this spark… on the other, I’m SO comfortable with him.

This is so different from anything else I’ve ever felt. And I feel like I’m the most unlikely person he could have picked, as right as it feels. Let me explain that.

Here’s a guy who has seen the world, who goes to New York two weekends a month, has been around all these glamourous, famous folks…. and who does he choose to spend time with? Me.

Let me be clear now – I’m a fantastic person, lol. I’m just saying that given the selection he has, it’s extremely flattering that I’m the preferred choice. I asked him about it yesterday, what it was about me. Apparently I gave him his taste for African women. I can’t even believe he has been thinking of me over the years.

He is a beautiful, sexy, talented man.

Tall, six feet if he’s an inch.

Very deeply chocolate sexy skin. Dreadlocks just touching his shoulders, almost as long as mine were. Lovely eyes. Wonderful smile. Very polite and well mannered. Well spoken and educated.

Extremely creative in my two most favorite ways. Clear and honest in what he says and does. Has a deep love for his fellow man. Generous to a fault, like me, especially when it comes to being a steward of God’s wealth.

Goes to an A.M.E church! Seems like he shares the same thoughts about God that I do. Checks in with me as if we’re already a couple. I feel spoiled already, but he says he’s not spoiling me yet, this is just his personality.

Which makes me think, God, what if he tried to impress me? Because that’s what I’ve come to realize – instead of just meeting someone randomly and hoping he’ll become what you want, why not find someone who already has most of the attributes you want, and then find ways to compromise on the rest?

And so far, he’s all I remember him to be and so much more. What’s funny is that I didn’t find our first relationship particularly memorable. Not that it wasn’t great. It was. It just didn’t have enough time to start to be something. We weren’t together long enough to have been an official couple even, or to fall in love. We had a good time together, a comfortable yet exciting time together.

It’s crazy because everything I liked about him then is the same. And everything I didn’t get the chance to like is unbelievably better than I could hope. This is making me feel like I’m a dream. Money is coming together. It looks like I’m on the cusp of a romance. Mentally, physically, emotionally I’m feeling confident. If the trend of the last three months is any indication by summer time I’ll be in better shape than I was in college.

I always believed my mid-30s was when, after all the suffering, my life would begin to work out, and I’d be blessed tens times more than I was cursed.

And it’s looking that way. I’ll have more about Lava’s sweet hotness another day. Right now?

I’m gonna go bask.

So let me tell you how this thing went down, and, later, who this guy is to my heart and things.

In college, I knew this guy. I won’t go into too many details because I don’t want those of you who knew me in college to give the man the third degree, because really this is just starting back up. It hasn’t even been a week since we’ve become reacquainted.

Of course, from the first day we saw each other again after about 17 years, we’ve been together four out of the six days since then under extremely inconvenient circumstances.

But.

I’m really looking at this with both feet on the ground, hard as it is. If you ask my heart, that’s another story. Still, he makes me feel as if I don’t have to rush, as if I have a secure enough place to take my time.

Okay, so let’s get in the way back machine.

When I met this guy, I was in the second semester of my freshman year. I’d just started to find my people on campus. I started to frequent the school nightclub and it’s been so long I’m not sure if that’s where we met, or if we just ended up there. Anyway, we had the same circle of friends and hung out together, and somehow, I can’t quite remember how, we ended up pairing off.

I remember really digging him, great conversations, warm hugs, romantic and sensual sparks/events. It wasn’t quite long enough for us to be in a relationship though.

Just when we were getting to know each other better, something happened to him – a project he was on brought him fame and fortune. There came a choice between that, and finishing school. And the smart thing to do was to chase that dream and finish your degree later.

We lost touch over the years. I thought about him on occasion and would get word that he was doing well. What I didn’t know is that he was really getting successful at what he was doing, traveling the world, meeting people I see on TV, hear on the radio, and read about in tabloids.

Now, I’ve never been one to be star-struck or to think that knowing/being with famous people makes you better than other people. I’ve known and met famous people and I only ever got geeked over literary icons. Because 1- I’m a nerd, and 2- some people regard me as famous in my tiny part of the internet, so I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of it.

However, in the field he is in, the people he worked with represented dream opportunities, they’re all names you would recognize, and I’m proud of the work he’s done, so I’m mentioning it here. It’s also relevant to the story.

To continue, this is how we got back in touch.

You ready?

FREAKING FACEBOOK!

I know, right? Crazy.

He was in touch with a friend of mine who I was recently back in touch with and she told him I was on Facebook. He contacted me in January. I bantered back and forth with him a bit, then he said he wanted to talk to me. I, asshole that I am, didn’t call him back for five days. I really wanted to let Valentine’s Day pass before I spoke to any male on the planet. Ha.

But I spoke to him shortly before Valentine’s day. And every day since then. During one of our discussions, we discovered that I had something rare he wanted to borrow. I’m barely 45 minutes from him without traffic, so we’d made arrangements to meet last week on Thursday.

We ended up seeing each other on Wednesday instead, then on Thursday as planned. Then almost every day since then, we’ve been together. He’s going through some drama, some unbelievable messed up crap that would make my hair fall out, but he’s driving nearly hour out of his way almost every day to come and see me.

So that covers the back story. I’ll talk about all the other stuff next.

you make me blush
at a smile from you
and after your touch

i know what junkies go through
wanting to be high
wanting to be high

and i
know it is not natural for my skin to ache
when your chest
does not flatten my breasts

but im not concerned with
whether or not my mind is bent

i just want another hit
i just want another hit
i want to be

blunted

on your love
to breathe your kisses on my skin in
and love that pain which results
when

your hairs aren’t mingling with mine.
your eyes lock us in between time.
you get me lost in your rhythm and rhyme

and i

flush
blush
rush to your
touch.

and i
lust
til i
bust

oh, damn
i wanna
fuck.

but no go
cuz you’re 2 hours away.

and so i will call
and ain’t got shit to say.

just i want to get high
on knowing you’re there
and your voice makes me have to wring out
my underwear.

though you’ve said nothing sexual
just wanted to ask
how my day was and how i plan to get past
these days
these nights

without you near

so i
cry
sigh
bloodshot are
my eyes

but i
stay strong
as i long
but
mmm-damn
i want to die.

but i’ll keep it togehter
until that day whenever
i see you again
my lover
my friend
and as i wait for your presence
to beam me up

i will think of your love
and
i
will
Blush.

* the audio version never follows the written exactly. Also, I recorded it in phone quality on purpose- it’s supposed to sound like a voicemail message.

As always, this is an incredibly self-centered post. The site is called “Tinu Stuff” people. Get used to it, LOL!

Seriously though, the reason I have a special site that acts as the public side of my personal journal is for three reasons.

First, I like to keep written records, both on and offline, of how I feel, what I think and how I came to certain conclusions, etc., to help with my own evolution. I’m always attempting to make myself into the best me. This helps.

Second, pure entertainment value. It amazes me how many people just enjoy seeing what is in someone else’s mind and heart.

Third, I’m hoping that some small part of this blog will be a help, inspiration or warning to someone. Even if it’s one person. I know that there have been several times where reading someone else’s thoughts on a situation they were in helped me immensely.

Today I’m thinking about what would make my relationships in the future more successful. And I’ve come up with several things.

First, in the beginning, I have to start keeping all thoughts about the situation to myself unless someone should expressly ask. I’ve become conscious of the fact that I vacillate between complete radio silence and bursts of emotion, and that it’s potentially quite unnerving. It’s usually because when I meet people, I watch and circle them for weeks or months before actually engaging. Then, in the few circumstances where I feel I’ve met someone I can connect with, I’m so happy about it that my filter turns completely off.

The problem is that while some people welcome this wholeheartedly and with relief that they can now do the same, other people don’t find it as cool. On top of that, I often do it in writing. And if you’ve been here or to any other site of mine before, you can see that I can sit down and write a 1000 word stream-of-consciousness brain dump in less than an hour, and read one in less than 3 minutes.

I easily forget that not everyone is a speed reader or particularly fond of reading long prose. Ah, well. In business, I learned to write for people who scan. Not so much in my personal life — if anything I’m more verbose.

Secondly, I really have to think about what I truly want in a relationship versus what I think I’m supposed to have.

Yes, I want to fall in love. But I don’t want, need or expect love to be all-consuming. I want to have a life outside my primary partnership and I want my partner to do the same. That’s how we can keep things fresh – space and lots of it. I believe true love is about freedom.

Yes, I want to get married. But I don’t want to have a traditional marriage. Not to say I wouldn’t adore being a house wife. I’m down for all of it expect cleaning, so I’d probably keep my business open part-time to guarantee we’d have household help. I’m not damaging my health for anyone, ever again.

What I mean by non-traditional is that I’m not a traditionalist in most respects, as far as relationships are concerned. I’m from a culture where a man and a woman go to a party together and everyone dances with everyone else’s spouse. I thought this was normal until I went to college and faced issues of possessiveness and jealousy whenever I was what I felt was a little flirty.

That’s really the shallow end of the pool though. I believe men can be tender and still masculine, gentlemen and still respect equality. I also don’t believe that you can or should possess another person, outside the romantic sense of the word. I believe we are brought together to love each other as we are, not “fix” each other. I believe in freedom, on both sides of the fence… while I want to be part of a couple that does things together, I don’t believe we have to, or should want to, spend all our free time together.

I’m a creative person, and when I get into my creative space, I need to be alone. That can last for hours sometimes and I need to be with someone who is okay with that, or better yet, just not around certain times of days or days of the week so I can habituate myself into summoning as much of my inspiration as I can in that alone time.

That’s not to say I want to end up with someone I don’t see. Not at all. Just that I’m the type of person who could be with a basketball player who was on the road for weeks at a time, as long as the quality of the time we have together is superior and prioritized.

Actually, judging by past relationships, I think I would thrive on it. And I also see how not having those options sometimes made me feel smothered. I was once deeply in love with someone who wanted to be with me every day, all day, no matter what. I appreciated his devotion, but was frustrated with the fact that we didn’t ever DO anything once we were together. So we had all of the time but none of the spark. No intellectual stimulation, no conversation, no exploration or travel.

Yeah, there was the sex, but since I was better at it than he was, that kinda sucked after a while – not horribly.

But have you ever had your favorite dish, prepared the exact same way for three weeks in a row, at every meal. Trust me by the time you get to week three you want to punch newborn kittens in the face.

I also feel that freedom is important here. Over the years, I’ve found that I’m not so much a jealous or possessive woman at all, it’s just the way I react when I feel the relationship is insecure. Once the declarations of love come into play and are reinforced with some regularity, and my position as his lady is secure, I get very laid back as far as feeling secure in the relationship.

In fact, I’ve come to realize that I’m actually not the jealous type at all when I’m feeling balanced. I was just unbalanced so often, in so many of the wrong relationships that I thought it was the norm.

This is important because I want to be married to someone who is ambitious or has some kind of purpose to their life with respect to adding to the world, not just living in it and taking from it. Nine times out of ten, that means you’ll be looking at a creative type, or a social type, both of which have to deal with either fans or making social connections.

And if you’re constantly asking “Who the hell is Christine!?” and waving business cards in the man’s face? Probably not a good match. When I realize that this is what I wanted, and how the way I related was incongruent, I fixed it fast.

Now, granted, in my last major relationship, I fixed it TOO much, because who seriously goes for marrying a guy with 6 kids by four mothers, who lives in proximity to two of them, and can barely support themselves? And on top of that wanted to keep me a secret until we were at least 2 kids deep?

Yeah, I’m talking about Droplet. Let’s not even get into THAT.

I’d prefer it be an artist – it’s been a lifelong dream to find a way to marry a poet or a painter – or better yet be one – and still live a comfortable life.

I want – need – to be with someone who wants to travel. Who enjoys it. Because one of my favorite things in the wide world is to hotel hop for a couple of weeks and live off room service. In about five years, I’ll probably try to figure out how to turn that into a career.

There was a time when I used to make up reasons to travel, just because I had the money. Other days I would say I was traveling, and go to a hotel in my home city instead. I adored having a good reason to hotel hop in Vegas.

And I don’t need someone else to be there. I can have a perfectly fantastic time on my own, not to mention that since I can work from anywhere with a high speed connection, I never need miss work because I thought it’d be a nice day to island-hop. If I get bored, I just go out and meet people. Folks just like to chat with me for some reason. I’m told I have one of those faces.

There are physical and personality characteristics too.

Yep. I have a list and I’m ain’t settling. There are certain things I’ll give up to get other things, but some stuff is mandatory.

I’ll post that whole list later.

The point of all this is, I’m starting to see how deep my issue of choosing the wrong men goes.

Whenever I chose someone physically unavailable, who couldn’t be near me, it’s because I wanted to be in love without the responsibility of doing anything about it.

When I would chose someone who was emotional unavailable, it had a lot to do with how much I valued myself and my belief that I was worthy of love. And it was often because I wasn’t ready for the level of commitment – and I never will be because I want to be in love and married BUT I don’t want to be in the standard relationship….

I need a man who is away sometimes, whether that means marrying an entrepreneur who doesn’t work out of the home as I do, or being with some salesman who travels the world for his job and takes me with him.

Now, choosing someone technically unavailable must be sub-conscious. I’m so ready to find a person to be with and stop dating and starting over. I want to build a future with one person, in a relationship we define together, rather than one we find ourselves prisoners to because “that’s what people do.”

For a while, I even talked myself out of finding a man who was a friend to me first, simply because none of us hurts our true friends the way we do lovers. That friendship is the bedrock that I believe takes you through the hard times. When you know that other person is your captain or first mate, that it’s the two of you teamed up against the world, it adds so much to life.

And no, those aren’t all the things I’ve decided I want. Matter of fact, tomorrow or Tuesday I’ll put up the list – so if you find him you can tell him I’m looking.

Hm. Actually I might not be at the moment. I have one guy I’m looking really seriously at, and another waiting in the wings behind him (if he acts right), just in case.

Which I deserve a wrist slap for, I know but it’s not like I’m doing this on purpose.

Besides, it’s too early for me to tell with this person. The instant he says he’s mine, all other bets are off. So I’ll put it up for entertainment value, ‘kay?

you are my Beloved
my dearly beloved
the only essence enough
to fill the immeasureable expanse of my heart
which only opens to occurrences of your opulent adoration.

and i am beyond love
so i make up words and say I
Belove
you.

and what is it to Belove?

when i scribe memories of moments on the back of time,
when i invert rhyme to realize the poetic bliss of you and our union
when i exist on top of a minute of blue surreality, under the infinity of your eyes.

this is Belove.

when i burn in my yearning for the turning of churning a discerning tactile treaure between my lips locked on top of the soaring mist of sunrise’s kiss within you,
when i sit upon my fleshed throne with a supple smooth as silver sword sheathed in sublime suck-tion of scintillating sensual support,
when i taste temptation of a tongue which once turned trumpets into tunes and now turns tunes into torrents of tanka-like treats that tumble into trains of ‘Trane,
when i drink down the dearest of my delicious dreams which dance delighted out of my favorite pinnacles door,
when i stir cycles of commitment in circles completing cylindrical seas seeking the circumference of coming to your call to cum for you,
when i triangulate your want and become congurent to your desire, perpendicular to the spot you want blessed, laying diagonally from the best thing that ever happened to me,
when i surround your pain and subject it to sonnets of songs wrapped in love and dipped in tomorrow, simmering a healing touch, writing words directly to the heart that is parallel to my own, hoping i can soothe within as i stand on the perimeter of your spirit, the radius of us,

that is Belove.

and since this is that and all that is also this, i guess that’s that, at least that’s what Deepak said.
but let me break it down some more.

we are
Beyond Love
we are
Souls Mating
In Unconventional Ways
Our Love Affair
is one where
we cannot measure our mutual pleasure
in seconds, eons or days.

so until they come up with a better way
to say forever
i will find or make up words to convey
This One Thought
that sets my spirit to melody….
I Will Love You Always.

So greedily do I gulp down memories of your sweetest flesh, hot against my mouth.

Playing my tongue against a recollection of your lips, I slow down to a sip, not wanting the drink of that image to ever fade. Because I remember, yesterday, the wave of euphoria, back to that first day you kissed me.

Pondering the lifetime and wanderings between now and then, it feels like I’m in a fairy tale, one of those where the protagonist follows fortune with a young expectant heart, constantly blessed with abundance, even a child, but not a lasting love. And he returns home, one day, hunts down the sweetheart who was there before the fame, and returns for her, sweeping her off her ground onto a cloud departing for the paradise only two twinned hearts can create.

That look in your eye then. I knew you were leaving and that I adored you but wasn’t ready for you to stay. How lost I was after your departure, not realizing you were the missing piece. Amazed at your nature to just treat people so humanely. Acutely aware of the extra you endow me with.

Which somehow whirls me back to when we reacquainted, just a few heartbeats ago. Hearing your voice filled with excitement upon seeing me before I knew you were there. Returning to you and being enveloped in … strength. safety. warmth. affection. Like a huge blanket of sweet fond feelings.

I could feel more from that hug that in some of the more lavish verbal expressions of love I’ve been offered.

Pulling away from you in surprise and experiencing delight at that approving, devouring look of yours that I remember. Then hearing you verbalizing it on top of my own glowing review of you.

Suddenly it was as if something electrical had reconnected, something so subtle I didn’t know it was gone until it was back. Powerful, but subtle, like beautiful music playing at a background level.

There is much of you that is unexpected. I thought I would find someone who was not nostalgic, missing me, finding me again, a pointed search for who I was, the me I still am. I prepared myself for a different type of approach to affection than I’d prefer.

Wrong again. From the easy way we fell immediately into holding each other, to hugs upon request and walking hand in hand so easily and comfortably, I could imagine how a less worthy woman would complain, as your ex had, that you were too affectionate with her. Whereas I believe there is no such thing. That an abundance of physical affection can compensate for so many other shortcomings.

And I know you have them somewhere, shortcomings. I have yet to make their acquaintance and memory does not serve me well there. I imagine that yours are many minor, rather than one large unmanageable.

None of which were shown in this first time you kissed me. Like some merciless attack against every logical counter I could imagine. An eraser of all doubt.

Bringing me to here. To a trust I once thought impossible. To a budding in me I thought I had buried again. Back here again. Staring up in your eyes, believing.

Faith in the entwined portion of our destiny.

And.

I, again, am yours, for that moment. We’ll see what happens next…

I am sick. If you’ve seen me around the web you know that I’m not keeping it a secret. I’m whining as if I was the only person ever to have the flu in life. That’s mostly because it feels like a cross-strain of the ebola virus and bird flu.

But I’m not unhappy. And in no small way, it’s because I’m being courted.

I’m being called several times a day. Sweet nicknames are being given to me. I am regaled by tales of my beauty. The depth of desire for me is often referenced.

I’m being enveloped in the type of energy I most prefer. And apparently, I’m not even getting the good stuff yet.

It’s more than that though. This person is going through a difficult time in their lives, a painful, humbling experience, and yet still finds time to prioritize me.

You know, like lovers are Supposed to do.

Yay.

photo credit: Harlequin_colors

I remember waking up in bed,  struggling for air. And sitting up. I could feel my throat closing. I did the test I’d been taught at some point by a nurse – trying to swallow. Then I realized I couldn’t.

And I understood why people with allergic reactions and asthmatics are taught to go directly to the hospital.

If I didn’t figure out how to combat this feeling, I would die. Quickly.

When you can’t breathe, you can’t speak.

That’s why the first step of the Heimlich maneuver is to ask the other person if they’re okay. If they nod, it’s possible they might not be. I usually keep asking until they say verbalize. My friends hate it, but the one time it saved someone’s life was reason enough to annoy the people I love.

I couldn’t breathe deeply enough to power a call for help. A friend was in the next room. If I can make enough breath to call out, I’ll survive, I remember thinking when things got hazy.

I shook my head to fight off the darkness. Which of course made things worse.

My life didn’t flash before my eyes when I almost blacked out. And I wasn’t afraid – I was seized with desperation. Not quite fear. I remember wanting desperately to be able to Fight.

Suddenly, I went into some kind of meditative stance. Everything was clear. Time slowed down. My body went calm and it was instantly, but very slightly, easier to breathe than it had been when panic tensed me up.

I took the slowest, deepest, most painful breath of my life. I let it out really slowly too. Breathing regularly was impossible, and breathing slowly, when my lungs burned with the need for air, was agonizing, but necessary.

I didn’t have enough room for a regular breath.

I had no idea why I needed it to be so slow and measured at the time, but was relieved that it worked incredibly well. For the next five minutes, a time that seemed like an hour, I kept taking those breaths, eventually realizing that since I didn’t have enough room in my throat to take a regular breath, if I just slowed my breaths down, I’d live.

Finally I had enough breath to call for help.

I’m remembering this day for many reasons. Mostly to embed in my heart the feelings of not wanting to die. The desperate clarity. The aching lust for my next breath.

I’ve been depressed lately. Occasional suicidal thoughts. I dismissed them as pre-retirement jitters but now I know the cause. I must write. Every day. Sometimes in places where no one will look, or hear. But I must.

It’s not a choice for me, and I’d forgotten that.

Writing out my feelings is my daily slow deep painful breath. and if I do it more often, it will be easier to let it flow. My spiritual throat will relax and open. And I’ll be whole again.

This is the part where I recommend meditation to Everyone who has never tried it. Could quite literally save your life.

photo credit: dragonflaiii

Right now in my life, I have someone who is really mad at me to the point that they won’t talk to me. The funny thing is, they’re actually angry at me over a misunderstanding. But since they aren’t speaking to me, they have no way of knowing this. Instead, this young person took some he said/she said bullshit to heart, and instead of confronting me, decided they just weren’t going to talk when I do. All this over something that would be resolved if we got all the people concerned in a room and talked for five minutes.

My reaction to this anger? To love them anyway, and shrug. If they come around, that’s great. I really love this person and value their impact in my life. If they don’t, oh well. I did the best I could. I sacrificed for them for two years in a way they’ll never know about, that I’ll never throw in their face. Does that make me a saint of some kind?

No, I’m a regular person with flaws, just like anyone else. I’ve just learned the folly of long-term anger in my life. And I’ve learned that every action you take is a choice, and I can choose not to feel defeated, guilty, angry, sad, or distanced from a person due to how they feel about me. Did I initially react with hurt? Yes. But it was for five seconds, not minutes or hours. I’m not a cold or detached person. I just realized a much deeper control over my life starts with more control over my own feelings.

They are mine. They belong to me. I can do with them as I please. I can be angry back. But the question is, does that serve me? I can be hurt and cry about it all the time – this person and I were finally becoming close again. But does that serve me? The milk is spilt. I can’t put it back in the glass. I wasn’t even the one who spilled it, and my responsibility to clean it up in the interest of maintaining the relationship expired when the other party refused to talk to me about it, or anything else.

You might be thinking, I wish I could do that. I wish I could feel less guilty, be less angry, move forward in love.

You can. We’re both here, let’s start with anger.

If someone shouts at you in anger, shouting back is a reaction. We’re taught that we’re being pussies, or punks if we don’t “stand up for ourselves”. And granted, sometimes the situation is going to call for you not to back down under any circumstances. But is the stronger choice Always to shout back? Really think about that in terms of an objective for a minute.

Let’s say it’s your spouse, and what you want from them is to answer a question to your satisfaction. You asked once politely, they answered once politely, but not to your satisfaction. You rephrase the question, and they get a little irritated in response. You rephrase again, and they respond in anger. Does a shouting match necessarily have to ensue?

No. And just because you don’t shout doesn’t mean they “won” the argument – although who really cares who “wins” as long as everyone reaches a result that works for as many parties as possible? But that’s another article.

I’ve found that the best thing to do when someone screams at me inappropriately is to pause for a bit longer than is natural, and respond the way I’d like to be addressed, Without emotionally reacting to the other person’s insult or tone of voice.

It’s not easy. And I’m not always composed enough to pull it off. But it’s extremely effective when you can swing it. So much so that your partner may use the same thing on you sometimes.

The other day, my ex-boyfriend flew off the handle at me. I let him rant for a few minutes, remained relatively stoic (outwardly) and said, “You know, I haven’t yelled, or called you any names. Nor do I want to.” I put my hand on his shoulder, gently, slowly. Touching is really connective. This is the reason why I, as a woman, used to say ” don’t touch me” when I was arguing with someone of either sex. A touch reminds me that the other person cares for me, and I didn’t want to remember that when I was mad.

Anyway, next I said, in an even-toned, slightly teasing voice, “What do you say we start over? And after we wrap this up, we can resolve whatever is really bothering you.”

He didn’t apologize, at first, but he did lower his voice, look in my eyes, and tell me what I wanted to know. Then, he told me that when I talked to him a certain way, it felt to him like I was treating him like a child. I replied that I’d make a conscious effort to stop that, and for the record, I was striving for clarity, not condescension, and that I’ve been told before that I fail miserably at my attempts to do so on occasion.

We both had a good laugh instead of a six hour fight. Cody, if you’re reading this, play your cards right and we might even get back together.

That’s just one example of how you can deal with other people’s anger.

But this is really about looking at yourself, and how you react in anger to other people.

When you’re angry at someone else, the anger can’t hurt them unless they allow it to. It won’t physically injure them, on its own, no matter what you do. Most of the time, maintaining angry feelings is hard work. You have to think about what the other person did constantly – energy you could be using to make your own life better.

Long-term Anger is an investment you can’t afford. It doesn’t pay any positive dividends, and you rarely get the result you want — which is to have your issue resolved. In fact, the majority of the time, the other party leaves the drama to you. Think back to how many times you’ve thought to yourself “they can’t stay mad forever”, or “I’ll give them some time to cool off”, or “We’ll clear up the misunderstanding later”, or “I’m right and I’m not backing down no matter what”.

Most issues can be resolved without participating in the negative health effects of anger and repressed anger. If it sounds like I’m making it that simple, that’s because it can be. There has been a time in your life when you smiled when you didn’t want to and it made you happy. There was a day that you were upset over something and watched a movie or played a video game and felt better. Loads have been lifted off your heart from venting your frustrations, and then moving on.

So write a letter about the incident, then don’t mail it.

Call up a friend and vent. Once it’s “out there”, you probably will stop caring so much, and maybe even realize you’re being silly.

And remember, your anger most likely has absolutely no effect on the other person in terms of getting what you want, the way you want it. People who care about you may preemptively do things to prevent you from being angry, yes, but once you’re angry, the motivation is far less.

Let it go.

Think about it for a while. What does anger truly get you? What is the result of anger?

photo credit: bryan_chan

It’s 2 am. I’m still awake. I’ve never been gladder that I got a good night’s sleep the night previous. I am also glad that I know when to shamelessly manipulate someone into not getting their plan completed that they made up for a group of other people without asking.

Some people call that not succumbing to the manipulation of others, but I’m not going to split hairs. I lied. I refused to answer the phone. All because I was. Not. Ready to go.

Because when I got all excited? And was ready to go? Every single thing that was supposed to be better about the destinatation was, um. Not.

It wasn’t one of those, with good reason things either. So it turns out, my rarely used power of derailing an agenda chosen for me by another party who did not ask me worked out for the better.

Because if this had been last night? Like it was supposed to be?

I would have been pissed.