…and.

the picture of you in my mind is of the softness in your eyes and
a reflection of the love i have staring back at me.
there are moments i’m so sure you feel it
not that i feel i have to wait
for what you’re feeling
to address what
i am

…but.

i am holding back. naturally out of concern for you, but a lie is a lie is a lie
is omission and my level of contrition in the face of our redefinition
of integrity – well it’s killing me. my love for you is bursting.
i swim in it whenever my head is filled with your words
secretly coming undone during innocent exchange
moist and clandestine the blush flushes
imagining your touch. you see?
it makes me wander from
the point of all this.
which is
you…

…well.

i’m digressing because i’m procrastinating and, well, i’m procrastinating
because i’m scared. and i’m scared because i don’t know if this
from me would be a new complication or a blessing to you
then i realized yesterday just how much i loved you
once. enough to drive me to tears and i haven’t
cried like that in years not even over death.
not too profound to say but i’m – doing it
doing it again see? what you make me
can’t take the anxiety. not anymore
so i’m going to go ahead and
open up to you no more…
bs.

…so.

back then, when we were … so … entwined. press rewind and pause
and you’ll see that i didn’t just adore you. it went so much deeper
and if you click forward one frame you’ll see me loving you
and not loving you, to be clear, like one loves a dear one
or even how you love a dear one you fell into a
lust-ship with for a few months, more like
i was in love with you. so deeply
i wore it casually but it was
a formal affair to me
i loved
you.

…yes.

i was in full on, yes i will marry you like you asked me the first time, love.
and was is the wrong word. especially in the space where i write
because i am still in love with you and to tell the whole truth
i’m fairly sure i never stopped loving you
just gave up that we could be. i know
you can’t love me back. probably not
now at least, but if you could i’d
do
say
be

anything.

go anywhere
as soon as
we’re
free.

precisely because i know you’d never
let me change. not for you.
then, you loved as is.
and that is why.

i’m no longer ashamed of it, and.
it’s the same, my part of us
it’s the same this love,
we’re the same

it’s
still
the same.

and i?
am out of the keep it secret game…