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eliminating tendencies

This is not funny
Creative Commons License photo credit: zhouxuan12345678

sometimes i think about suicide
because my pain is so real that it’s alive
crawling under my skin
my entire life feels like one big sin

that i can never repent for.

sometimes i’m very close to suicide
handful of pain pills always by my bedside
i try and hide it most of the time
but most days just walking makes me want to
lay my head on the wall
and just cry

but i’m one of the lucky few
with loyal friends and family who know what to do
to pull me away from the precipe

before my hate of pain
turns to apathy
before i turn into someone
i can’t see
before i’m beyond the reach of
any
therapy.

i own my issues
and try not to spread my sorrow
but for some reason knowing
someone looks forward to my tomorrow
makes me postphone my gloom
just long enough for me
to want to live.
for me.

you can’t ever be someone else’s reason to die
losing them is not your fault that’s such a lie
but sometimes.

you can inspire someone to live.

*i’m in no way suicidal NOW. But I was when I wrote this.

And I wrote it because some people in my life didn’t seem to understand that suicide is the ultimte manifestation of a very painful mental disease. It’s not an act of punishment or spite.

And since even a doctor doesn’t set his own broken leg, the way to help isn’t through blame or shame. They want to end pain, not teach someone a lesson. If you’re reaching out to someone at the end of their rope, think about what that rope is. Ease their pain and get them professional help. If you know someone who is suicidal, try these resources:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
Deaf Hotline: 1-800-799-4TTY (1-800-799-4889)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

In the UK, you can contact The Samaritans (UK), at 0845 790 9090.

2 thoughts on “eliminating tendencies

  1. Thank you for sharing this.
    There are some powerful words in here that I’m sure were difficult to put down in writing.

  2. Thank you Mike. Sorry it took so long for me to respond. This is one of the harder things for me to think about and be able to also walk away from once it comes out. So I had to be mentally ready to revisit this time period without knocking myself off course.

    Your comment means a lot to me. Thank you so much.

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