for a second there

just a second

i was starting to think i made a mistake
starting to to think letting you in was not the smartest move

but now?
after yesterday?

i’m sure this was the right path
positive you were the right choice
i know i haven’t picked someone who was wrong for me
i know i haven’t deluded myself into another adventure with unavailability

and to think i wandered into this thinking
this was short term fun.
rather than a slow, easy journey to a new joy.

If only i could explain what you’ve done for me
just by being you
if only i could find a way to reciprocate for everything you do
at the moment, the only thing i think of
is to maintain an oral recognition
of the regal manner in which you’re fulfilling all my wishes
especially the ones I didn’t know I had.
you’re a genuine diamond
your sparkle blinds me

and from my heart to yours my lion
your shine will never go unappreciated.

and
i just can’t figure you out
i can’t figure you out
don’t know if i want to
i just can’t figure you out
can’t figure you out
loving all your voodoo

I’m trying to hold on and trying to let go. Loving the secrets of you. Loving not knowing exactly how I feel or how you feel and you’re getting to the end of my probation. If it was up my heart the answer would be yes but I confess that I’m afraid of you. Always trying to prepare myself for the possibility that you’re no longer feeling me.

Silly, I know. You’re always so honest that I could just ask. And the things you do, what you say, and the way you treat me should be enough to keep me from thinking I need to guess. All I know is I want to go slow and easy and yet be sure. Can’t bring myself to do it yet… I’m loving the sweetest agony at this mystery…

and i
just can’t figure you out
can’t figure you out
not sure that i want to

can’t figure you out
can’t figure you out
what am i gonna do with you…

You’re a puzzle to me that’s for sure. Mixing magic with the mantra of mellow melodies. Pressing piano purity on pleasurable penalties. I waver between being sure that you’re for me and thinking that maybe this was just a season of the reaffirmation of me. Whatever happens you’ll always be dear to me and this is new to me — I’ve never felt like it almost didn’t matter if it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, having been blessed with the reward of … you.

You’ve taught me what my prototypical man should look like. Reminded me how a lady ought to be treated. Showed me my own beauty. And whatever happens I’ll never forget that about you.

So I just want to thank you.

i can’t figure you out
but it took me my whole life so far to figure out me
i hope i get the chance to spend an equal amount of time
in discovery of you but if it’s not meant to be
a forever type of thing
i hope you know that you brought the song back to my heart
and I’m always going to be so so grateful… to even know you…

i’m hoping you know
that though i badly need the dough in question
i’d rather work all through the night
into two next days,
and know you were safe and well,
than have you in danger to bring me something i can get on my own.

i so appreciate you and everything you do for me
just remember that if you’re low
so am i
and it’s better that we both get full on our outside sources
than be half empty for the sake of each other.

it’s raining baby
somehow the sun doesn’t seem to shine when you’re gone
something about your eyes being indoors
make night come faster
brings a taste of loneliness to laughter
songs sound flatter.

right now everything else is secondary
I want to see you.

butterflies, softened

It’s almost uncomfortable. almost.

The way you make me feel – unreal unfamiliar but not unclear. Even though I’ve never felt them before, I know exactly what they are. Butterflies.

I’ve heard people talk about this before, and thought them crazy or caught in the throes of some lustful intoxication that feels like lust but I’ve felt lust and this is no duplication. The funny thing is that it’s not constant, I only seem to get this electric fluttering when we’re on that same wavelength.

Like … connected. I hate that this feels fated. Men are normally the ones who feel that about me. And I enjoy that high and indulge. It’s easy for me to tune into other people, to feel their feelings in my body, to intuitively be able to draw the stress from their bodies, insinuate peace into their minds, to get them to feel me, to feel me the way they can see some version of the real me. I guess that’s the reason I’m always the one to leave.

But man… these butterflies. My belly dancing with your memory in it. Fluttering and diving, just thinking of you. Like an insane person. Like one of those crazy, about to fall off the cliff into love people. Man, am I in trouble…

I’m so afraid to feel this way, to be swept into being into you or letting you be into me and I can’t figure out why. I guess I am too impatient and both tired of waiting and in love with the agony of being only 80% sure that this fever is mutual. All I’ve got is what you say and do to me, which technically is enough but I hate assumptions. But there’s so much enjoyment in being courted and taking it slow.

So I can’t give in to the temptation yet. Not with the lingering promise ahead. Not when this living buzzing feeling inside feels so good.

Not when I know what I know in the light with you. Not when you tell me you can’t make love to me in the dark because you have to see me. Not when you climax from our kisses. Not when you say such brilliant things for no reason. Not when you remind me of my beauty. Not when you make such beauty out of sound.

Part of it IS lust. I admit that. I can’t lay on my stomach on my bed anymore – it always ends the same way with my thighs pressed together longing to feel you behind me..pushing… grinding… mmm….

Wait, what was I saying… oh yes… part of it IS lust but it’s only a part, this isn’t an accident, or just the juxtaposition of our bodies bringing each other earthly satisfaction. I guess it’s like you said, there’s no way we can keep away from each other and restrict this to “just friends”. Or that other time you talked about how we are so pulled to each other. Or how, given the chance, we go to crazy lengths to see each other for tiny snatches of time.

I learned this during our recent starvation from each other. I still couldn’t escape your eyes in my head, and this went way beyond wanting you back in my bed. I wanted you opinion, to hear you smile, to make you smile. And if I take this fate back to bedroom states, yes, I don’t just want to be pleasured by you, I want to find every way to please you that I can.

So infinite, definite, intangible, and yet real enough to touch. Lust and something turning into love, so scary when I normally have such control over my emotions. I can get to the edge and back up. With everyone else but you.

I hope. These butterflies will loan me wings…

yet

climaxing into your observant gaze
seems a fair trade
to feel the flame of your tongue
licking my body clean of desire for anyone else but you.

how did i get here?
how did you happen to me?
i’m supposed to feel like i’m not free
but being with you for some reason

is not smothering
you hold me tight but your grip doesn’t break or crush my air

and i love that you’re with me
but i do remember that at some point
i did swear
promised myself i was only near you to feel the warmth of your flame
not to be consumed by it
took my oath on not falling like this
on not liking anyone enough to miss
on not being kissed…
on not looking into your soul
on not losing control

with the frustration of a passion unleashed
for almost a week
i have to admit…
i actually like the effect you have on me…

maybe…
even love…

and me
knowing what was about to happen
and fighting myself I turned
but you found me
and with the softest touch
began to melt my defenses

once our breath mingled i was done
with every bit of passion I returned your kiss

you.
paused.

before tasting my desire again
and every day I love to return to that eternal space
before that next dangerous moment

and your continued journey
down the other side of my throat

if i’m not in love now,
it must be the next stop on the green line.

i’ve been avoiding the touch of your mouth to my skin
i know.
i’ve been afraid to love you because
i’ve been afraid you couldn’t love me

but after everything that was said today
i could no longer resist
much as part of me screamed for you to cease and desist
and let me languish in my fear of commitment
the pre-existing condition of our co-existence in this heaven we created
got my heart taking over with insistence that i persist in
telling myself the truth

i’m in deep with you

there isn’t anything i can do
but even better
there isn’t anything i need to

because you’re approaching me with all honesty
days have turned from seven to four to two
in which you can go without seeing me

and a few hours ago you showed me with all certainty
that this isn’t just about
the preference you have for my body
the reverence you have for my mind
the relevance you find in my soul’s kindness

you
like
ME

this she that i am
i am slowly realizing
is an ideal to you.
so maybe

instead of running from this feeling
i should patiently,
as you said,
stand my ground….

I feel like….
Beauty, if she were a Goddess.
Song, if she were an apparition
Like some lyric laced over the hottest dance track
And I have to tell you it’s taking me back to indecision
My former resolve to not fall for you is slowly slippin
Man I’m trippin

And as I remember you breathing insanity back into me
Full on resuscitation of my soul
Mouth to–

well.

Lips.

See? You’re making my brakes slip
I really am trying to have fun
And let these moments live
And let whatever naturally unfolds between us
In its own sweet time unwind..

But you’re making me weak
My former resolve needs re-tweaking
Or maybe I just have to stop speaking to you and run away

Because the funny thing is?
It’s nothing you do to my body.
— Don’t get me twisted, if your fingers were the military I’d be enlisted.

What I mean is…

You remind me of how beautiful I am
Of all the things I have done and can do still
In a way that I don’t forget after you’re gone
Or even if you never came back

And

The way you touch me when we’re supposed to be asleep
The kisses you affix betwixt the bliss of moments play, making my heart beat miss steadiness
The readiness you maintain to rescue my mood from even a moment’s pain

You listen and remember
So un-hesitantly tender
So…

I could go on forever
About the way you make me feel
Even as I’m looking at that word, afraid, unsure if you’re for real

Despite what you say

To be honest with myself
I still find my soul in chains
Yes I’m slowly letting go but
Until you tell me you’re mine
I’m going to enjoy you and this high
Biding my time

And if it’s never to be
If it remains a fantasy
I’ll never
ever
forget how

you made me into poetry

and your touch is like a hug to my soul.

your fingers wipe away tears
buried in my thighs when you caress me
erase that feeling of wanting to run
far
until i can’t breathe and don’t feel anything
but the acid in my veins from too much excertion

oh
to not feel anything…
it’s what i thought i wanted
to not feel anything…

what a better digression
feeling you
feeling me
watching you watch me watch you

sighing at such sweet intimacy
not needing to worry about anything
past this moment

no burning like the ache of my soul
no longing to make the arch of my back in the palm of your hand
mean anything but
pleasure.

the pieces of me may fit back together yet….

it’s just that i’m so torn by this loss –
i couldn’t bear the thought of not
feeling something else.

just for a few hours.

instead,
i wanted to quench this thirst
that could comfort my soul
with the sustenance you offer so freely
….from your body.

and.
it was delectable.

It’s whenever I start to think you might be drifting a little
that you make doubly sure I know you haven’t gone anywhere.
Your arms might not be home
but in addition to the supple throne you provide
They’re quite a nice place to visit.

Now that I’ve figured out how to do this dance with you,
I’m surprised to find it more suitable to my speed.
Who cares why you’re here or how long
For the time being
two souls are invested in enjoyment.
Right now, I just want it to be about that.

And if the reason is to make me remember how beautiful I am,
I’ll take it.
And if this season is just the Spring time,
I’ll make it.

And if it’s meant to be a lifetime,
Well.
You know me and my independence.
But I’ll do my best not to run…

or at least if your heart ends up in my hands
It won’t be me who breaks it….

though you Sure talk a lot of it!
which only makes me laugh more
because

the next time i demand cuddling
you’ll show.

and.
the memory of your last initiated bed-hug
is enough to hold onto.

for now.

all my heart can hear is your melody*

melodically hypnotically
you nearly have me betraying my vow to slow down
everything i’m feeling is spilling right out of my soul
onto this stage where i sit
wide open and exposed to you.

i’m already drowning in deliciously deep cocoa kisses
killing me with quick connection corrected
wanting to stay cool and collected but

your caresses tickle trickles of teardrops torn from turned tastes of bliss

i slip stealthily out of the state of steady
hands off the wheel
heart’s cautious ice wall melted by the logic of lyrical language
translated tunes taking me to the breaking me

and i’m

set free to experience this glee
floated from fantasized figures flashing feelings and
fear’s fatality

so i’m giving in
letting the electric attraction
cement a barrier to any lament that could be constructed
by the confusion you’ve banished.

and as i sit under the subtle shadows
cradled by candlelight
and your midnight eyes
i am born anew.

*Quoted verse in italics is from Stevie Wonder’s Another Star

Okay, you know how I started off my last Lava post with how I’m in trouble? And said that he scored a 98% on my love list?

You don’t know the half.

I feel like I’m in a fairy tale –that I wrote. I feel like I mixed some kind of potion that would make a man into the kind of person I wanted, and forgot about it, and that he found it and drank it. But that he didn’t need to anyway because he was born that way.

I’m not all head over heels in love yet. But I am definitely in trouble. If things kept going like this for another few weeks, I don’t know. I haven’t felt like this before, going in, where it’s going so well that I’m trying to anticipate when the other shoe is going to drop.

You know me though, I believe in the law of attraction, EFT, NLP, etc and I’m not going to manifest disaster into my life. I’m going to keep acting and behaving as if I’m going to get… well… what I’ve been getting!

And I’ve been getting it good. Oh you stop being dirty – I mean the fairy tale… I mean that I have this comfortable excitement with him. I feel like I … fit him and that he fits me. We seem to intuitively get each other. On the one hand, talking to him or seeing him gives me this spark… on the other, I’m SO comfortable with him.

This is so different from anything else I’ve ever felt. And I feel like I’m the most unlikely person he could have picked, as right as it feels. Let me explain that.

Here’s a guy who has seen the world, who goes to New York two weekends a month, has been around all these glamourous, famous folks…. and who does he choose to spend time with? Me.

Let me be clear now – I’m a fantastic person, lol. I’m just saying that given the selection he has, it’s extremely flattering that I’m the preferred choice. I asked him about it yesterday, what it was about me. Apparently I gave him his taste for African women. I can’t even believe he has been thinking of me over the years.

He is a beautiful, sexy, talented man.

Tall, six feet if he’s an inch.

Very deeply chocolate sexy skin. Dreadlocks just touching his shoulders, almost as long as mine were. Lovely eyes. Wonderful smile. Very polite and well mannered. Well spoken and educated.

Extremely creative in my two most favorite ways. Clear and honest in what he says and does. Has a deep love for his fellow man. Generous to a fault, like me, especially when it comes to being a steward of God’s wealth.

Goes to an A.M.E church! Seems like he shares the same thoughts about God that I do. Checks in with me as if we’re already a couple. I feel spoiled already, but he says he’s not spoiling me yet, this is just his personality.

Which makes me think, God, what if he tried to impress me? Because that’s what I’ve come to realize – instead of just meeting someone randomly and hoping he’ll become what you want, why not find someone who already has most of the attributes you want, and then find ways to compromise on the rest?

And so far, he’s all I remember him to be and so much more. What’s funny is that I didn’t find our first relationship particularly memorable. Not that it wasn’t great. It was. It just didn’t have enough time to start to be something. We weren’t together long enough to have been an official couple even, or to fall in love. We had a good time together, a comfortable yet exciting time together.

It’s crazy because everything I liked about him then is the same. And everything I didn’t get the chance to like is unbelievably better than I could hope. This is making me feel like I’m a dream. Money is coming together. It looks like I’m on the cusp of a romance. Mentally, physically, emotionally I’m feeling confident. If the trend of the last three months is any indication by summer time I’ll be in better shape than I was in college.

I always believed my mid-30s was when, after all the suffering, my life would begin to work out, and I’d be blessed tens times more than I was cursed.

And it’s looking that way. I’ll have more about Lava’s sweet hotness another day. Right now?

I’m gonna go bask.

So let me tell you how this thing went down, and, later, who this guy is to my heart and things.

In college, I knew this guy. I won’t go into too many details because I don’t want those of you who knew me in college to give the man the third degree, because really this is just starting back up. It hasn’t even been a week since we’ve become reacquainted.

Of course, from the first day we saw each other again after about 17 years, we’ve been together four out of the six days since then under extremely inconvenient circumstances.

But.

I’m really looking at this with both feet on the ground, hard as it is. If you ask my heart, that’s another story. Still, he makes me feel as if I don’t have to rush, as if I have a secure enough place to take my time.

Okay, so let’s get in the way back machine.

When I met this guy, I was in the second semester of my freshman year. I’d just started to find my people on campus. I started to frequent the school nightclub and it’s been so long I’m not sure if that’s where we met, or if we just ended up there. Anyway, we had the same circle of friends and hung out together, and somehow, I can’t quite remember how, we ended up pairing off.

I remember really digging him, great conversations, warm hugs, romantic and sensual sparks/events. It wasn’t quite long enough for us to be in a relationship though.

Just when we were getting to know each other better, something happened to him – a project he was on brought him fame and fortune. There came a choice between that, and finishing school. And the smart thing to do was to chase that dream and finish your degree later.

We lost touch over the years. I thought about him on occasion and would get word that he was doing well. What I didn’t know is that he was really getting successful at what he was doing, traveling the world, meeting people I see on TV, hear on the radio, and read about in tabloids.

Now, I’ve never been one to be star-struck or to think that knowing/being with famous people makes you better than other people. I’ve known and met famous people and I only ever got geeked over literary icons. Because 1- I’m a nerd, and 2- some people regard me as famous in my tiny part of the internet, so I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of it.

However, in the field he is in, the people he worked with represented dream opportunities, they’re all names you would recognize, and I’m proud of the work he’s done, so I’m mentioning it here. It’s also relevant to the story.

To continue, this is how we got back in touch.

You ready?

FREAKING FACEBOOK!

I know, right? Crazy.

He was in touch with a friend of mine who I was recently back in touch with and she told him I was on Facebook. He contacted me in January. I bantered back and forth with him a bit, then he said he wanted to talk to me. I, asshole that I am, didn’t call him back for five days. I really wanted to let Valentine’s Day pass before I spoke to any male on the planet. Ha.

But I spoke to him shortly before Valentine’s day. And every day since then. During one of our discussions, we discovered that I had something rare he wanted to borrow. I’m barely 45 minutes from him without traffic, so we’d made arrangements to meet last week on Thursday.

We ended up seeing each other on Wednesday instead, then on Thursday as planned. Then almost every day since then, we’ve been together. He’s going through some drama, some unbelievable messed up crap that would make my hair fall out, but he’s driving nearly hour out of his way almost every day to come and see me.

So that covers the back story. I’ll talk about all the other stuff next.